bleed

I don't know what to type right now... I actually wasn't planning on posting anything tonight but I just feel beyond miserable right now.
I was feeling bad lastnight too, but not bad like right now. I went for a walk really late without my mother knowing, just to get out and avoid going to bed I guess, because it's when I go to bed that I feel the worst - for the last few nights I've just been crying myself to sleep even though in the day I feel fine. I just walked around Exhibition Park and up to Church of Our Lady and then downtown and stuff. It's like I don't want to be in my own body anymore. ...I'm not the type to try and 'get away', I'm just unhappy.
And yes, it's because of 'The Maestro', it's because of Derek. And I feel so helpless now. We're in the same room, but it's like we're totally gone. And it hurts so bad for so many reasons... Maybe I just took 'us' too seriously, but then again, I was extremely serious about the way I felt for him. He was more than just a 'fling'. He meant something to me. He meant Alot. Everything in me believed that we could have been something more... I admired everything he did and I admired everything about him. I loved him and I was in love with him, and he's the first and the ONLY person I can truly, honestly, sincerely say that about. And then he ended it. Just like that, without an 'if', an 'and', or a 'but'. It was an abrupt, one-sided decision and it was so incredibly painful that I felt as if I nearly died. I was still there, willing to do anything, willing to fight for us, because honest to God, 'us' meant more to me than anything in the world. But he was gone. No matter what I said or how much I begged, he was gone. It felt like I was abandoned, buried alive...
I know it could have been different. If we had more time. All it was, all he based his decision on was a 'feeling', and if he spent any time at all with me instead of with his 'feeling' I know it could have been different.
And then there's everything that happened after the fact. He seemed totally unfazed, uncaring, as if 'we' never happened and I meant nothing to him all along - which was confusing for me and painful as hell. And so I started to distance myself. Then in the halls I would always see Derek with Christina. At lunch, the time we had always spent together, I would walk around and run into Derek and Christina. And when we went downtown, he paid me no mind, and seemed to be constantly flirting with Christina. And so, naturally, I began to wonder if he had simply found another object for his affection, somebody 'better'. And so, naturally, the hurt was deepened.
And it's been a month now. Does he like her? According to him, no. Do I believe him? Given what I've seen so far, no, I don't. But that's not why I'm upset at this moment in time. I'm upset because I am genuinely confused, and I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make it better... Derek and I used to be so close, but now it feels as if we can't reach eachother at all, like everything has been tainted. It feels like I've lost my best friend. Even though I've been hurt, I do not hate him. I really really care about him... but I'm so bitter.
And now I feel trapped. I don't even know what I want. All I can truly say is I want our 'closeness' back. I know he wants a friendship... but I don't know how. I've never really known him as just a friend...

Sometimes I just wish I'd cheated on him or something, even though in reality I'd sooner have swallowed ajax than been untrue to him in any way. I wish I'd had some guy all over me and he'd have come and seen it with his own beautiful two eyes. At least then I'd know why things have to be like this. (...And it's funny because I don't wish that at all.)

And I'm upset because I made him say bad things about himself.
And I'm upset because I still have feelings and they won't go away!!
Every time he's around I'm sad. I can't even laugh the way I used to - the feeling isn't there. When he's with me I'm grieving. And sometimes I am when he isn't around, like I am right now.

I just want things to be good again. I just want to stop crying.

All That Glitters is Gay

wearing: rugby pants, white shirt
eating: A COOKIE!
listening to: Jimi Hendrix - Stairway to Heaven

This afternoon I got bored and decided to read chatlogs just for the hell of it - because, you know, that surely won't re-open any emotional wounds!

...Fuck me! (Figuratively speaking, of course. I was looking for a sort of expression that denotes displeasure with myself - such as the previously stated, made popular by the cool cop from Speed.) I'll do the stupidest things sometimes. Now I'm all mopey, and pensive and stuff...

SO! I'm taking the time right now to construct an idiot-proof plan for myself tomorrow so I don't end up wallowing around in the winter of my discontent. So far, I'm :
-waking up early and going to the gym
-coming home and sunbathing
-having a shower
-going to Mikey's to buy advanced Spiderman tickets

Well I think I've got me pretty much covered!

CiAo, Darlings.

...Oh, speaking of gay, Much Comes Out is on tonight.

stoppit.

wearing: pink and white halter top, new york hoodie, 'tyte' jeans
eating: nada
listening to: "Across the Universe" by The Beatles

Today a fourteen-year-old Jake the Snake got drunk at one o'clock in the afternoon at the annual family reunion. It was funny. He approached the cooler of my uncle Martin and aunt Carol, the two parents who can do no wrong, and asked "Mind if I take a rummage through here?"
"Oh, go ahead." Replied my charitable aunt. "There's water and juice boxes..." She continued. His efforts were fruitless.
"I don't think that's what he's looking for." I said to her with a smirk, as my dear brother expanded his rummaging to my grandparent's cooler. This time he hit the motherload, and pocketed a Molson infront of the ever watchful and ever disapproving eyes of my uncle Martin.
Over the course of a couple hours, I kept tabs on the kid, and he drank:
2 cans of some cheap stuff my dad buys
2 bottles of molson
1 smirnoff cooler
1 sleeman

A list that would surely make the old man proud.

Not much else to report. I know I've said this before, but I think I'm starting to get somewhere on The Maestro front. Today I didn't have quite the hold on the malicious thoughts as I usually do, and some of them managed to make their way onto MSN. Part of our conversation went something like (because he had to set the table for his mother):
"Well I'm glad someone's found a use for you."
"That's one good use for me ^^"
"I know a good use for you - falling down a flight of marble stairs! I'd laugh."
"But wouldn't glass stairs be more fulfilling?"
"No, I think the cold, hard, unforgiving marble would do just the trick."
"But the glass could shatter and tear apart my insides ^^"
I think it was at that point that I said stop it. It's like one of his poems I read one time where he ends up getting shot in the stomach - It creates a mental picture that gives me a really uncomfortable feeling. So what if I'm pissed at him, I don't like his self-bashing talk. I never have.

Anyways... Oh. I'm writing a story at Mikey's non-serious request. I just got into it, and it's fun and should be finished sometime within a week.

Go team Anneliese!

Ta Da!

You Can't Have AMUSEMENT without SEMEN!

wearing: pinstripe jeans, 'the clash' shirt, black cloak thingie
eating: air
listening to: Eric Clapton, 'Blue eyes Blue' lol

Lastnight Gimpy gave me a ride home and dropped Spunki off at Neil's. Nobody could figure out how to get the window to unfog, but Gimpy said he was fine looking through a little spot which he had wiped off. "Yeah, that's why they install the whole windshield, because you really only need a small part of it." I remarked from the backseat. I could clearly see what the problem was but I was having trouble communicating it to Spunki, who minutes earlier, couldn't spot the roulette on Mario Party when it was taking up half the screen. Firstly, she had the fan set so that it would come out of vents facing the passengers, and not the windsheild. Secondly, she had the fan set to 'OFF'. I admit that I did not help the situation by telling her to turn the dial to number three when the defroster was number four - so what if I can't count, I'm on the rugby team! (Inside joke.) Once we had overcome that mighty hurdle, I was like "Okay, you see the one that's pointed to OFF? Point it to not OFF!!" ...Ingenious! Five seconds later the windsheild was clear. I must say, we make an awesome team.

Today somebody came and vacuumed my whole house and I didn't wake up. That might not seem like a big deal for some people, but here's the catch - I was entirely sober. ...That's disgraceful.

In other news, Mission Impossible is underway, which is to say I have started cleaning up my room. So far I have filled up two garbage bags with junk, yet the level of clutter is still a shock to the senses. Today I found a calendar from 1994, a picture of a young and innocent Jake the Snake clutching - oh, what's that? A beer! ...And a battery with crystals growing on one end - Thaaat's not hazardous!
Two days ago I found a collection of writing that I have no memory whatsoever of writing, except that I think I did it in grade eight. There were about twenty poems, and they were all like, sentence fragments strung together in a strange fashion - yet they made perfect sense. And they were creepy. ...No wonder I had no friends. I also found two letters which I had also forgot about - one was to Santa asking if he was real or not, and one was to The Maestro asking more or less the same question. ...But we won't get into that. I have neither the capacity nor the will to tolerate his ignorance, and I told him if he doesn't cease his incessant flirting with poor Blondie for the next two months that I'm going to hate him for a very long time. And he said he'll stop, but we'll see....

Also, a bunch of people had lube wars.

End Scene!

It was a rough night.

wearing: peace vs. love shirt, dark flair-y jeans
eating: drinking: pink lemonade
listening to: 'stop crying your heart out' by oasis

Today was Mack's birthday and I went over to Mikey's and we held a jolly good celebration for him.
I wasn't in the mood to wrestle and I was being quite the snoot about it, so as I was crossing the room Fabio caught me off guard and flipped me upside down! The nerve! I was so scared that he would drop me and I'd break my neck, or that I'd lose my lunch all over Mikey's basement. Either way, I'd surely be killed. Well, he finally put me down, but instead of crawling away I rebelled and tackled him! ...Which landed me beneath both Mikey and The Maestro in a dog pile. Good show!

Speaking of The Maestro, I've inadvertently taken it upon myself to ignore him, just ignore his presence as much as I can. And I like it -- it's cleansing. For now, anyways. I know of a girl that likes him, too. I've known of her for many a year, enough time to form the opinion that she is a genuinely nice girl. I've only really spoken with her one time, but she was one of those people I get a funny connection with and am actually able to talk to inspite of being strangers. I would hate to see a person like that make the same mistake I did and waste their time being so good to him. She deserves someone that knows how to treat girls... The Maestro's just an inept boyfriend, he doesn't pay attention to girls in that kind of way. That's what his first girlfriend saw and why she dumped him, and that's why it hurt me so much when it happened with us - there's just so many good things in him, things that I was looking for, but things required to maintain a good, strong relationship as more than friends are missing. I kept no secrets from him, I liked doing little things for him 'just because', and I would have done almost anything for him if it would have made him happy. But all of that fun stuff was one-way, even though there's no doubt in my mind that he cared for me. It doesn't dawn on him to do the same, and if someone has to be told, it isn't right. For instance, for his birthday I went out of my way and consulted Fabio to pick out a CD that I knew he would like. Plus, I devoted over ten hours of my life to a pointalism thing just for him because I knew he'd love it. But when my birthday rolled around, he didn't so much as give me a birthday card - yet for everyone else he'll run out and shop for like it's his civic duty - I definitely felt taken for granted!!
Anyways, that's even if he liked her, which I very much doubt because he's only liked three girls before and right now, no matter what he says, he seems pretty keen on Christina. It would just be sad to see a girl like that waste her time on him, that's all. He's like a little kid.

I don't 'like' anybody right now, which is weird and a bit scary because it's been over a year. I still 'like' The Maestro actually, there's that feeling deep deep down - like when you rip out a weed and some of the roots get left behind. Even though these feelings for him remain, the bitterness, if you will, is now stronger - like another weed slowly choking the life out of the first. And that's good right now, that's what I need. And that's probably where the desire to ignore him comes from - that first weed's got to be totally dead and gone or those roots will get in the way of any attempted friendship we try to grow.

I love my analogies!

...Today I likened The Maestro to a person who rips a big ghastly fart and then runs away to let everyone else suffer. And that's exactly like him too, lol! Like how he dropped the 'just friends' bomb on me, creating a huge problem which he then wanted absolutely nothing to do with. I remember that Saturday at Christina's he was just the life of the party, completely ignorant to my feelings and how badly he had hurt me, while I sat there within an arm's reach trying to hold back the tears in my eyes - I do not cry infront of people. God, I hate him for that!!!

*YaWnS*

The hour is late.

Ta Ta, My Darlings.

Some people might call it boredom.

wearing: 'Canada shirt', grey pants, long black sweater-y thing
eating: nothing
listening to: 'groundheart' by ex cathedra

'Kay! I felt... eh... insightful yes, yes, that's the word I was looking for. ...Really! And I decided to do some research into dream meanings.

In happy dream # 1, The Maestro's shirt was black, I remember I saw the colour before I even saw his face - mind you, he does tend to fancy black a lot so it could very likely be my subconscious was simply portraying him the way I often see him in real life. Black signifies isolation and transition period. It shows up conflicts and friction with relations and friends.


In happy dream # 2, The Maestro's shirt was beige. Or tan. Whatever - that thing he wears from Randy River I think. Anywho!
Everything related with this color denotes neutrality and detachment. There is absence of communication.

Oh.

In happy dream # 1, I was wearing an old white gown. White - People feel they can rely on you. You have an abundance of energy and vitality.

Ha ha. Shows you.

In happy dream # 2, I was Buttercup, the green Power Puff Girl. Also, the school halls in my dream were a vivid green. Green - Growth and serenity. There are projects which you are enthusiastic about. Great pleasures from simple things.

Pleasure is a good thing.

In happy dream # 1, I held the sword up to The Maestro's neck. To dream about any neck, denotes your present feelings of jealously and resentment. It involves emotional problems involving a friend or relative.

Dammit dreams, why do you always have to be so negative!!!

In happy dream # 1, the sun was bright in my face.
Face - Identity. Ego. Self-image. This dream denotes displeasure with yourself and warnings of someone working secretly against you.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!?!??!?!?? lol!

In happy dream # 1, I was a sword-wielding warrior.
Sword - Power. Authority. Antagonistic. Need to confront certain situations.

"Look Ma, I'm an antagonist!"

In happy dream # 1, a warm summer wind caught my gown and my hair.
Summer foretells joyous events and prosperity; denotes the maturity of ambitions and signals unbound satisfaction.

Woo Hoo!

In happy dream # 2, I said the Maestro was on a ladder, but he was actually on spiraly stairs. (Ladder was less typing.)
Stairs - Up or down. Aspirations. Looking to get to certain point against all opposition.

I opposed you! Ha ha!

In happy dream # 2, there was a lock. Lock - Confinement. Lock up a secret, a fear.

Yeah well, if you take a look at things I think we've established that much already.

In happy dream # 2, there was a bomb. Bomb - Explosive energy. Serious disaster ahead.

So what if I couldn't turn the bomb off, at least I saved everybody, so there!!!

In happy dream #1, I thoughtlessly murdered everyone except my friends. Murder - Violent end.Loss of control over a situation. Sorrow and failure.

Oh will you shut up.

In happy dream # 1 there were flowers, OKAY!? PRETTY WHITE FLOWERS!!! Beauty. Happiness. Pleasure. Blossoming.
Har Har Har.

In happy dream # 2, I was flying. Flying - Combination of control and freedom. Power. Success in all enterprises.

Take that!

Well, this concludes my research for this evening. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

Ta Da!

dream dream dream...

wearing: doughnut jammies
eating: quaker harvest crunch cereal
listening to: i'm in Durham.

I had a dream lastnight that I was on my way to Tim Hortons in the company of two charming gents, not unlike those from my college math class. On the way there, it suddenly dawned on the three of us that we were, in fact, the reincarnations of three great sword-wielding warriors and that no mortal wound could cause us harm. Then I bought two strawberry tarts, the original kind, then the chocolate just so I could make a comparison.
Once we were back at school, it was somehow resolved that as our service to the Gods, me must slay as much of the student population as possible with our mighty swords, which had by this time soundlessly materialized about our wastes. Without haste, we set to work doing the noble deed which we were destined to do. However, once the teachers caught on that we were, in fact, the reincarnations of three great sword-wielding warriors, paying our debts to the Gods by savagely murdering the student population one after another, they were quick to join forces in a valiant effort to lock us in a dungeon located underneath the food lab. They did not take into account though, that no mortal wound could cause us harm and therefore no mortal effort, however valiant, could ever contain us. So, the three of us, myself bringing up the rear, knocked on the dungeon door and drew our swords as we waited. Our knocking was quickly answered by two students who's fate was left in my hands as my fellow warriors burst forth into the food lab in a vengeful fury. I raised my sword and prepared to unleash my lethal blow - but wait a second! I know these guys! It's Mikey and The Maestro!! I loosened my grip on the jewel-encrusted handle of the sacred blade, at once and with great uncertainty questioning my actions, but allowing the razor-sharp edge of my weapon to come to a rest against The Maestro's soft, vulnerable throat. I studied the face of my victim, who did not appear to be the slightest bit amused, and then the face of his companion, who seemed to be in the same boat as that of my victim. I stood frozen, as a dark realization stirred in my consciousness, the realization that my slightest movement might bring about the satisfaction of not only the Gods... But there was still something that bid my sword to remain motionless.
At once, I was caught off guard! The sound of cheering rang through the halls! To my surprise, Mikey and The Maestro were cheering too! I looked to my blood-soaked companions who were as confused as I, as we were surrounded by the remainder of the student population who were cheering and throwing flower petals in the air. Cautiously, I lowered my blade, and two young ladies came forward and decorated me with necklaces made of white lilies.
I was proclaimed the savior of the human race, here with my formidable sidekicks to save the world from most certain doom. I was lead outside, my companions following behind me on my right as a gust of warm summer wind caught my hair and my gown, and a ray of sunshine played across my face.

END OF DREAM ONE ---HAPPY END!--- BEGIN DREAM TWO

It was the end of the school year celebrations, and I found myself, bitter and so alone, wandering the empty halls. I was retracing the steps I took on my wanderings that Friday of the open house. I continued past my locker, then down the stairs on my right, through the butterfly hall and up another small flight of stairs. I was in a familiar place now, as I dragged my feet and continued left. A year ago I had traveled this hall every day, and as I paused infront of a familiar door on my left, I considered how much my life had changed in just a year - but was the change for better or for worse? Cynical, I continued on ahead, until I found a door I had never seen before. I looked at the empty hall around me and quickly discerned that no one was very well going to stop me if I so chose to see what was on the other side of that door. It wasn't locked, so I went through to find myself ascending another flight of stairs. I found some cords and wires. My curiosity was peaked! I followed the wires and the cords down another flight of stairs until I found myself just inside the main entrance outside the auditorium. The wires lead to a metal transformer-like box. The metal box was ticking.
"IT'S A BOMB!" Exclaimed a voice from behind, and moderately perturbed, I wheeled around to find myself face to face with Mr. Davidson. "You must get everybody out of the school!"
The prospect of saving the day was not new to me. I understood my task at hand, and with a confident stride, burst into the auditorium.
"There is a bomb in the school! I repeat! There is a bomb in the school!" I hollered to the assembly. "Evacuate the building at once!" I proclaimed. I stood for a second and observed the rising panic amongst the student body. They got the message. 'Well, my work here is done.' I thought to myself as I coolly made my way to the exit and stood outside the school, which had appeared to have magically switched locations with none other than Victory P.S.
I had never watched a school explode before, but on this particular day the thought of it lifted my spirits, and so I waited in anticipation. But... what if not everyone escaped? What if someone - OH NO! A frightful thought occurred to me! What if someone didn't make it out in time?? (I always was whipped...)
Clearly, it was up to me to save the day, so I did what I had to do - I transformed into my alter-ego - I took the form of Buttercup the Power Puff Girl! I flew into the school with my signature trail of fluorescent green light trailing behind me, and began my search for The Maestro! I found him amidst a crowd of terror-stricken students on a ladder behind the stage. With my super Power Puff strength, I picked him up and flew him outside to safety. We had only gotten to the sidewalk, but he insisted on being put down.
'Fine, have it your way.' I thought to myself as I set him down. I knew he was still very much within the range of flying chunks of rubble, but I wasn't in the mood to argue. I sat down with him, wondering if he knew the true identity of his rescuer. I soon grew tiresome of sitting around, and felt I had not truly fulfilled my duties of saving the day.
"Do you want something? Like, is there something in your locker that you want me to get?" I asked.
"Just my janitor clothes." He replied.
"Ummm okay, what's your combination?" I asked. He then took out a piece of paper and began writing 'India, Pakistan, Pakistan, Mongolia, Turkey...' until the list of countries on the paper had reached about a dozen.
"What's this?? I thought you had a normal lock!?!" I asked, dumbfounded.
"Yeah, well, the combination was really easy, so..." I snatched the piece of paper and once again, heroically flew into the school. I thought I would be a show off and fly really really fast around the second floor for a bit, just for fun and to make myself look good. Then I ran into Mr. Davidson who informed me I had ten minutes until the school blew up. I looked around to see bomb squad people everywhere.
"Ten minutes? Can't they stop it in ten minutes??" I asked Mr. Davidson. He rolled his eyes.
"They're just the bomb squad, they don't know anything." He said.
I hovered down to the bomb and I tried to disarm it by shooting the wires and cords with laser beams from my eyes. No use! 'Well,' I figured 'At least ten minutes is plenty of time to open up a stupid locker.' And off I went! When I reached locker number 101, I found the lock to be a horrid little contraption which requires you to line up the longitude and latitude of the specified countries to make it open. I took one look at it and opted for plan B, which is to say I shot it open with my lasers. In the blink of an eye, I claimed my prize and speedily returned it to The Maestro who was now accompanied by the rest of the party posse.

END OF DREAM TWO! HAPPY END!

...And I'm spent!

Hey Stanley

wearing: 'party zone' t-shirt, roots sleep pants
eating: drinking: gingerale. Master Choice gingerale, so the ratio is actually more like 2 water : 1 gingerale. ...But refreshing none the less.
listening to: 'straight to hell' by The Clash

Today I was playing 'Mullet Inspektor'. It's a game I made up for my own petty amusement while I'm waiting around in the hall before math class. To be a Mullet Inspektor, you look at the grad portraits from the early 90's and see how many mullets you can spot before the bell rings. ...It's fascinating how many hosers went to our school and still made it onto these portraits - our halls must have been teeming with dirts! Anywhoo, today I noticed an unusually funny photograph portraying a pupil of African origin. The lighting was so bad in this particular shot that all you see is an obscure dark mass with a cheshire cat grin. I laughed. ...Does that make me a racist?

Toodles! Weiße Vorherrschaft Für Immer.

....Just joking, my brothers. ;-)

I Can't Believe it's Not Butter!

wearing: 'the clash' shirt, booty shorts, holy green socks.
eating: nothin'
listening to: 'we're going to be friends' by the White Stripes

I like the White Stripes because they offer hope for aspiring young drummers and make them feel good about themselves.

A minute ago I was playing with one of those clicky-pens, where you click the end of it and the thingie pops out. I was clicking it on the bridge of my nose for some reason unknown to me, and it slipped, which resulted in some serious clickage of the eye.

...Why do bad things happen to good people?!?

Yeah, that's pretty much my whole motivation for updating. I just thought I'd share because I know you all love me so much and care about my well being. ...And find it amusing when I inflict damage to my cornea by means of a writing utensil.

Also, on the weekend I titled all my blogs to make them look neat and pretty. I invite you to see for yourself what a nice job i did!

Right now for out door ed, I'm explaining why the popularity of mountain biking has gone up in the past 15 years. So have the popularity of lightning-related deaths in the State of Florida. ...I'm just saying.

Ta ta for now, Darlings.

I am this cool

wearing: rugby sweater, 'Canada' shirt, ugliest capris in the world. But comfortable.
eating: not much
listening to: 'I Wish You Were Here' by incubus

Tonight I took quite the journey with Guelph Transit. It all started when I was waiting patiently at the bus shelter outside Mikey's. Tonight I didn't miss the bus - the bus missed me!! It just drove right on by... luckily, there was a red light so I just ran up and knocked on the door and the guy let me in. Wow, don't I ever feel like a second class citizen.
When my busmates and I arrived downtown, I transferred to my Woodlawn bus to find myself in the delightful company of two drunken raving lunatics. At first, I found the vulgarity of it rather amusing... with the "I'm cool. ...because this is how cool I am- "Will you shut the f*** up!" "I'm f***ing cool, I'm going to smash his f***ing teeth down his f***ing throat..." "Your mom's a BITCH!" "...because this is how cool I am. I don't know how cool you guys are - no, you're not cool, but this is how cool I am." ...However, I started getting a little creeped out once the guy stood up and began to remove his clothing.
Luckily my stop is the fourth one from downtown, so I never got to find out just how 'cool' that guy actually was. ...Thank you, God.

Time for me to go now.
Toodles!

Love Isn't a Potato, You Know.

wearing: rugby sweater, black and white t-shirt, jeans, socks
eating: cherries. I like cherries.
listening to: 'boys of summer'

I got mad again at The Maestro today because planet Earth is seeing something he's not. Yes, I mean the Christina B.S. I like Christina. So does The Maestro. ...Perhaps more than he should.
...Actually, he's told me (three times to be precise, and more than once to my face) that he does not 'like' her. I would like to take his word for it, but that's a little difficult when his actions appear defiant of his words.

Now that the bad part of my day has been covered, let us turn our attention to the ass-kicking girl's night out part of my day. It was Megs's night out, actually! She turned 17 on Wednesday!
BIRTHDAY BUMPS!!
**ONE!**
**TWO!**
**THREE!**
.
.
.
**SEVENTEEN!**

Anyways, Megs, Sunny and Me went to see SHREK2. OMG that was a kick-ass movie. What more can I say. Truly, Shrek2 does raise the bars of kick-assery for your viewing pleasure.
Then we went to A&W and Sunny had a little incident with Meg's chubby chicken becoming one with her napkin... it wouldn't come off! I'm serious, Megs actually ripped the napkin to get the chubby chicken off of it. Now I can just picture that stuff on the walls of her arteries. Mmmm. I don't usually eat chubby chicken anyways. I always look at the little mascot on the box and picture someone throwing him in a deep frier and then arranging his crispy little limbs in yellow boxes with fries.

...Then we went back to Megs's and did Gypsy cards! Okay. This was hilarious! For Megs, every card said she'd be successful and happy, then every other card said she wouldn't succeed at something. ...Like those out door ed. T-shirts, maybe... *whistles*
For Sunny, every single card told her she would fail, lose something, lose someone's affection, and that someone was out to get her. lmao!! That was so horrible!
Mine was by far the funniest. It kept coming up with 'problems at work' - haha - and relationship stuff. I got the heart again (big surprise) but this one said that 'merriment and gaiety will never leave you'. That's super. Me and Sunny did like, a dramatic reading for this one, then she got to a part that said: 'If you are having problems in your love life, the following Russian proverb will make you laugh: Love isn't a potato; you can't throw it out the window.' I swear to God I haven't laughed so hard in a coon's age! Haha, potato!!! You know, whenever I find a potato the first thing I do is throw it out the window. Every time. Haha. Potato.
Then Megs was getting us ice cream, and Sunny was reading something about 'heavenly bodies' and at that second Megs turned around (with ice cream) and said "Do you want some of this, Charlotte?"
Hahahahaha. Ohhh, good times. Then I smoked those sissies at Halo. hehe ;-)

'Georgy Porgy pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry, when the boys came out he kissed them too 'cause he was Bi.'

Thankyou, Dimmy.

NiTe NiTe

All You Have To Do Is Dance

wearing: pink joe boxer jammies, socks
eating: nothing
listening to: 'alone in the universe' by David Usher

Bitching Continued.

Well, I went to the doctor today to get a note and came back with an inhaler! ...That's always good. It's funny because I forgot all about my appointment at 4, and remembered when I was standing in my kitchen at 3:56, so I had to book it to get there before the office closed. Haha... I ran... and then he gave me an inhaler - that's handy! lol. Inhaler. Now all I need are some glasses and I'm all set.
But I like my new doctor. He's a bit burly looking, but he's cool! He gave me a lolly pop. The good kind. ...I like.

And I'm spent!

Too Cool For School

wearing: deftones shirt, light jeans, checkered belt, white shoes, green socks
eating: nothin'
listening to: 'hand me down' by Matchbox 20

It is lunch time. But, lo! I am not at school! How come? Because lunchtime at school has gone from being the best part of my day to downright sucking. And no offence to the people in the English hall, because I don't think it has too much to do with them, but that hall is atrociously dull. Lunchtime in that hall is 75 minutes of pure endurance, and wishing I was somewhere else.

I liked eating with The Maestro and those people, and I would go with them if you know, The Maestro gave a care and the thought of waiting for me crossed his mind. But it doesn't, or maybe it does but he doesn't care - same difference. And you know, that's probably why I'm home right now. Because I'm mad or something (I don't know) and I want to bitch about it. Hurray for bitching! I would go up to him like I used to, but that's weird for me now. I feel like we're so fake, that's why I can't go up to him or really talk to him anymore. We're fake because for him to be 'with' me isn't right with him, and for me to pretend that everything's just peachy keen and I don't 'have feelings' for him anymore is an outright lie to myself and to everybody...
I'm sooooo confused about him right now. All at once, I feel angry, hurt, cold, bitter and spiteful towards him, but also and equally I deeply care about him, I like him, and I want to be by his side. But I feel so ignored... I used to feel appreciated, but now he pays me even less attention than he does to some people he's not even that close to. It's so confusing and frustrating! I mean, nothing went wrong...

Well... he's the one that wanted this friendship, so he better start putting some effort into it now or else there will be no friendship and we'll become strangers. Which isn't what I want, but seeing as he's got me so confused, this is his move right now.

I'd better mosie!

I Dream of Popsicles

wearing: 'love' shirt, bluenotes shorts that Bunny gave me, white strappy sandals
eating: pink lemonade
listening to: '99 red balloons' by Reel Big Fish

Today as I was walking up the grassy hill at Exhibition Park in my heeled white strappy sandals, I stepped in a rut and almost broke my ankle. Moral of the story - don't walk up grassy hills with heels on. Silly.

Today as I was heading toward that grassy hill with Sunny, a new concept stirred in me like a waking dream. I want to be a camel. ...Typical idea for a heat intolerant person when it's 40 degrees out, but just imagine the merits of being a camel! You could bask for days in the sweltering heat and not even be thirsty! Plus you have a hump. And I don't know about you, but I think humps are pretty fly - I'd keep Sprite in mine! Also, I could hork on random bystanders and no one would find it at all bizarre.
Ahh. The merits of being a camel.

This morning and at lunch I was harboring murderous angry feelings towards The Maestro, but sometime during math class they gave way to indifference. Why murderous rangry? Probably because it's like he doesn't even make an effort to even be my friend, and according to him that's what he wants 'more than anything in the world'. So...? If you don't mind me asking, if this is what you want than what the hell are you waiting for?? This is how the vast majority of my friendships have fallen away, I'm the one making all the effort and eventually I get tired of it, so I don't anymore. I'm also rangry because the stories he gave me don't make sense, no matter what way I look at them. And I'm one of the most open-mined people you're bound to meet... it's crazZzy.

Well The Maestro, poo poo to you.

Toodles.

Lay Off the Cocktail

wearing: white tank top, 'action' shorts
eating: nothing
listening to: 'uncle fucker' - Terence & Phillip

Look mommy!! I enabled comments!!!! *G A S P !*

. . .Just for the heck of it! The heck of it, ya'know! But if I become the recipient of comments that make fun, or in any way cripple my delicate little self esteem, (with the exception of "don't be a sissy" ;-) ) I will:
A) promptly disable said commenting privileges, and
B) use my blog as a tool to tarnish and shatter the image of said commenter.

Hehe!

Even though the only people I know that actually read this hooey are Mikey and Sunny. All in good fun, chaps. ...But then again, we all know what good fun leads to. *slaps* BITCH!!

Hehe!

'You need to lay off the cocktail, alright? Seriously. I'm worried about you, man.'

Today was the adventure race. All in all, I was pretty bored, but I did have some laughs. I was in charge of the 'egg drop' game, where one person lays on their back holding a paper cone with their mouth, and their partner cracks an egg and tries to get it into the cone from the height of 1m. I was really busy, and these two girls came along and watched two other teams step up to the challenge before it was their turn. I explained it to them, and they're all like 'aight, I understand', and I was holding the meter stick so she could crack the egg, but she just stood there. I was like '...whenever you're ready.' and she's like ''kay' and just dropped the whole egg on her friend's face. Haha! Vive la Stupidity! ...I gave them the point out of sheer amusement. (And a bit out of pity.) It was great.

This Saturday I might be catering an event for $8/hour with this creepy guy from my out door ed class. He's nice... just creepy. Well, I kinda need the money, plus it's a no-commitment kinda job. Like a one-night-stand. ...Of jobs. But if I go on Saturday I'll make close to $100 and I get to dress up all medieval-like! ...Sweet! Show me the money, baby! Ya ya!

Not much else to report. As for *BASTARD* ...hehe, no, I won't be going as low as calling him that. Because he's not - he's a really good person. Just complicated. Well, what is there to say? Right now to get the best understanding of where I'm at regarding him, listen to 'over my head' by Sum41. (Not to be confused with 'in to deep' by the same artist.) The tempo, the guitar, the lyrics... pretty much sum it up. Heh. Sum. Like Sum41! Three cheers for stating the obvious!

Toodles.

I Hate Myself And I Want To Die

Wearing: stripey shirt, rugby pants
Eating: sweet tarts (I just wrote 'sweet tards'. haha.)
Listening To: 'nice to know you' - incubus

On Friday I mowed the lawn for The Mother. My lawn mower runs on an electrical cord. Lawn mower. Electrical cord. ...Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this scenerio? Something potentially hazardous, maybe?

Ah, what would I know - I'm just a woman!

As for more personal matters - matters of, the heart... Yeah, I'm still stuck in emotional limbo. If someone asked 'how are you?', I honestly couldn't answer them. I'm a lot of things right now, and it really sucks for a person like me who enjoys the simplicities of life. When I'm just living in the moment, just with my friends and The Maestro, I'm fine. But if I think on it for half a second, it's like 'you know, this is really fucked up.' And I don't know what it is specifically, it's just a lot of things... A lot of really really sucky things that I would do anything short of selling my soul to make different.

Onion has just signed in.

So, how 'bout those gypsy cards!
Right away, the first picture I got was the infamous heart, with the infamous message 'your happiness lies in the answer of the one you love.' (There are four possible messages per matching picture. I always get this picture, with this exact message.) This isn't the most positive of messages, but it isn't the worst. It basically states the obvious, which is the 'other person' doesn't feel as passionate as I do. But, also that I shouldn't be a dick about it because anything is possible.
Then I got a good one about money, and a good one saying I'll have a long life, and then I got the snake with the message of 'bitter jealousy'. Well that's peachy! It states that I'm giving up one kind of life for another, which I am, and it bites my ass. It says that in a jealous state of mind, my vision is clouded and I could miss opportunities. Also, that jealousy doesn't show how much I love somebody, it only shows how insecure I am. I've never pondered that before, but it's true.

And now comes the last card, which is basically the whole message and the outcome of the reading. And a really important picture came up - the forest. This picture deals with the people I'm surrounded by, and it tells me to not be too trusting of new people (done and done) but also that I have friendships with many worthwhile people. Aww, shucks! (Hey, I never got this one when I hung out with SCAM - coincidence?) It says that I'm with people of good character, that their influence on me is a good one. Which I already know. It also said that this message usually comes up in 'transition periods', and we all know what a bite-my-ass transitional period I'm in right now. FUCK!!!! (sorry.) But it said that 'strong bonds remain in spite of change' and that I should continue to nurture my relationships. And God, am I ever trying... Oh, God!
I got a picture that says I'm in good physical health - haha take that, The Mother! No anorexia for you.
I got 'the demons' with the message that I need to control the negative side of my nature, because it will only lead to future unpleasantness. It said that I can be my own worst enemy (once again stating the obvious) and that I shouldn't give into negative thoughts - jealousy? - because they're only within me.
And then the last card, 'the fox'. This picture said I'm being cunningly deceived. That there is someone, once again, that I shouldn't trust. Umm... okay. And that someone might not intend to hurt me, but got caught up and just wants the easy way out. *cough*BASTARD!*cough* (I think I'm in my anger stage right now.)


Well, there you have it. That's how Anneliese amuses herself on rainy days.

You know how bloody different my life would be right now if I had gotten CELP in second semester?? Or even if I had history fourth, and science fifth? Or if I lived three blocks east of where I live and I went to Ross? Oh well. I'm glad it happened. I just want to go back to February. I want that more than anything in the world... I just want to go back. I want to go back so bad!

I hate him for not understanding me, and I hate myself for not understanding him. It's been over a week, and every little thing in me is so sure that this, what he is doing, is wrong. But he doesn't see it. And I can't make him see it. And I know he can't help what he's feeling... but I hate how he concluded all this by himself, shutting me out and letting these feelings of his grow. It was, in my eyes, selfish, one-sided and completely inconsiderate. But I guess some people just work like that. And so as a result, I am one confused, messed-up individual.

Ta Da!

My Rose Is Red.

wearing: light jeans, black and white funkadelick shirt, sneakers
eating: doritos
listening to: Greenwheel, "Breathe" - this is the song that goes "And I can't ask for things to be still again, I can't ask for you to offer the world through your eyes... longing for home again, but home is a feeling I buried in you" and it's actually quite the decent song if you ignore that chick going and butchering it.

Speaking of butchering things, I just went and took care of those Nazi hedges that were overpowering my delicate little rose! I'm sure The Mother will want to have my head for it, but I couldn't stand the thought of my baby being tormented by that big bully any longer. Last week it was nice and dead-looking, but I cut away the dead stuff so now it can grow again. I love my plant.

Now that everybody is nice and bored...

Oh! Guess what I'm doing tonight! ...Gypsy cards! Yay for sinning! I'm not too keen on the tarot cards right now because if I recall correctly, the last time I did them in December or whenever, they told me I'd have 'a severing of ties' in the month of May. ...Damn them...
They said alot of other stuff too, but you know when you're having an argument with somebody that you think is stupid, and they turn out to be right, and then in your humiliation you sort of just don't talk to them for awhile? Well, that's where I'm at with the tarot cards.

I'll continue this at a later date (well, not really a later date because I'll only be gone for a couple of hours) because I have a hair appointment.

Toodles.

******************************************

Okay, I'm back and it is now 5:55!

Some good news: I didn't cry yesterday, and not yet today either! Everything seems to be normal, yet at the same time very strange. Today Mikey was pestering me to no end in english class... I like talking to him, but not in a classroom full of ever-attentive ears. He likes to "read" me... which at times is a bit creepy, lol, but he keeps telling me that I have to move on, etc. It's like 'thanks! Now that I have your permission, I'll get right on that!!' For the most part I'm adjusting, but whether I choose to acknowlege it or not, some part of me is stuck. Part of me, more than anything in the world, just wants 'us' to be together... but the rest of me, thanks to The Maestro's position on the matter, knows that isn't going to happen. The only way that could ever happen is if he learns to know his feelings and how to deal with them and express himself, because honestly, the guy doesn't have a clue. I know he'll come around eventually, but eventually holds no promises.
Today I saw him at lunch. At first, I didn't want to go with him because for all of english class I was dwelling on the state of our relationship, and I was feeling 'weird'. Which is understandable, because I've only had six days, so of course we're going to be edgy around one another. We were going to go to sugar benders, but I got sick of him taking his sweet time with everyone in the aud, so I left him to go get lunch at the caf. Soon I caught up with him, The Sneek, and 'Morpheus' at the candy store, and I was standing right behind him and heard him say "...I have to go find Anneliese because she's gone missing..." - Ah, perfect timing!
Well then... that proves I'm not an afterthought, but then again I did have his money. In any case though, hearing him say that softened me up, and we spent the rest of lunchtime in each other's company just like we used to. I miss that.

Now, how about those gypsy cards!

xoxo

Look, I'm Eating Food.

Warning: This entry contains subject matter that some readers may find extremely sappy and disturbing. It is not recommended for the cynical. Discretion is advised.

wearing: pink joe boxer jammies
eating: nothing. but let me finish writing my opening, and I'll change that.
listening to: "By the Way" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

My opening.

eating: chocolate covered almonds.

That's better. Time to do something about these detestable eating habits of mine before I become skeletal. I bet I've lost two pounds since Friday night, and my booty is the one that's suffering. J-Lo would not approve!!!

Anyways... I just called The Maestro. Rather, I called his daddy (who is a cool guy, by the way) and had him call me back... and we talked about 'us'. And surprisingly, I'm not sad. I'm actually feeling alot better. The general outlook of our situation has not changed, just my outlook is beginning to. I'm starting to see past the heartache to what Mikey and The Maestro have been trying to tell me. And now I see... that a relationship as lovers would be really, really nice, but a friendship that is deep and meaningful doesn't come along every day. Maybe not even every lifetime.
And now I know that if I let this slip away from me because I'm clinging to the past, to something that just maybe, by no fault of my own and no fault of his, isn't meant to be... well, that could be one of the biggest mistakes that I ever make.
...And if it is meant to be? Well then, if that is our fate, then fate will bring us together again. But now, the best thing for both of us, and I say this now with understanding, is to focus on friendship.
Now I realize that our love hasn't died, that it is still very much alive, as the love between close friends. A love that is pure, and not fickle. Something we can share with complete honesty and sincerity, something that is unwavering and true.
And this is something I plan to cherish for a very, very long time.

xoxo

Would You Like Some Freshly Cracked Pepper on That Wound, or Just The Salt?

wearing: redstar sweater, pinstripe jeans, sneakers
eating: nothing.
listening to: 'Adam's Song' by Blink182

You know what I find ironic? On my canoe trip, whenever I was having a hard time I'd think about The Maestro to get strength. Seriously. Even before I left, too. When I did the swim test, thoroughly convinced that I'd sink like a rock, I just said 'do it for [The Maestro]' and I did it. On my portage when I was in so much physical pain, I imagined him at the end of it, and I made it. When I got lost on the rocky shore of Wreck Island, weary, dehydrated, and wanting to give up, I knew he would have just told me to keep going, and so on I went. When I was faced with a challenge out there, he is where I found my strength.

And it was my canoe trip that initiated the turn of events that lead us to where we are now.

Ironic.






...It aggravates me to know that while he was going through the emotional turmoil that I'm stuck in now, he completely shut me out. If he'd have just told me when he first became confused, I could have helped him, and perhaps both of us could have avoided this... whatever 'this' is. But he didn't, and now that I'm in pain I have to see him running around like he's totally unfazed. It even looks as though he's replacing me, though he's told me straight to my face that that's not the case. There's a new girl he's spending time with at lunch. Now, the fact that she's a girl isn't what bothers me, because I've never ever had jealousy problems with Spunki - and she's spent tons of time with him. It's the fact that she's the new girl that irritates me... I like her and everything, but when I see her with The Maestro, it's like 'hihi2u, now get the hell out of my spot!!!'

Christ, I hate being a teenager... who's idea was it to invent hormones, anyways? Because I'd like to kick their ass!

Ta Da