the envelope song

I had a lo-vel-y bunch of envelopes, (dodely-do-DO!)
There they were all stand-ing in a row! (bum bum bum!)
They were yel-low, about as BIG as my HAND!
Now I'm on crack, and I want them back,
Is that such a great demand?!!?

...Oh wait. I found them. They were right there all along. Beside my keyboard. Hehe. Silly.

Right now I'm writing 13 thankyou notes to teachers for coming and supporting my cause, the Halloween Dance. And it's amazing how tedious gratitude can get after about the fourth note, especially when you can't put a face to half of the people you're thanking. Which by no means makes me ungrateful, I'm just saying it's hard not to become vague or repetitive.

Also. Theres this teacher at my school named MR. DAVIDSON who teaches music and who wrote on my brother's midterm report something along the lines of "some effort has to be made to succeed in this course so quit living in a bubble" because he's such a mature man who is obviously a legend amongst students and is just downright fantastic at working with adolescents.

And it's funny because when my brother and a guitar happen to come together all I ever hear is Hendrix or the Stones, and whenever I walk by a junior class in his music room all I ever hear is a bunch of trombones and clarinets being dragged through hell backwards.

Hey, Mr. Davidson. Just because you're bald and your mother never loved you doesn't mean you can be a bitch to the children of today. So take a deep breath. Maybe wear some looser pants or something to take off a bit of that edge. Just, lighten up a bit.

Cheers!

Oh, Snap.

Mood: tired as hell

If you google the word "failure" and hit "I'm feeling lucky" you are rewarded with the official biography of Geroge W. Bush, President of the United States of America. (Ha ha.)
And not that this came as a great shock to me or anything, but the (supposed) most powerful man in the world only has a masters degree, in a day and age where you can find a more learned individual driving a taxi cab.
I live in a quaint little neighborhood in the old part of town, favoured by dentists, professors, and eccentrics who like to collect knick knacks and create front gardens entirely made up of ferns. ...I could walk to the bakery on a sunday morning and easily run into a dozen people who're more highly educated than the leader of the richest, most powerful country on Earth. This thought unsettles me a little.

(Did I mention that I live approximately half a block from the bakery?)

In other news: I hate Guelph Transit.

Ta Da.

Thank Johnny Appleseed for Friends!

Mood: whatev's
Music: Garbage - cherry lips

Everyone is gone out tonight to celebrate the existance of the Boy With No Soul with his conniving counterpart, which means I have about dick all to do socially right now. Which is nice, really. Next time why don't you just hand me a flashing neon sign that reads "YOU'RE DISPOSABLE" as a friendly reminder of what it felt like a year and a half ago when somebody "loved" me on Thursday and apparently didn't recognize me on Friday during his lunch date with the little backstabber (ya'll know who I mean).

But anyways. No big deal. He's (I hesitate to use the term "fat" on the grounds that I just don't like it) rotund and annoys everyone so I guess that's just God's way of telling me I can do better.

So there.

And... YAY HALLOWEEN DANCE!! It was FUN! And I didn't lose my hair due to stress and anxiety! And Mrs. Reed liked my catering! W00t!

"And now, we wait."

Mood: annoyed
Music: Queen - Killer Queen

Nothing wakes you up quite like a surprise 8am root canal!! (Just reading about it makes me wanna barf.)
Anyways. Long story short, my dental hygenist is a lying hag. I went in for my appointment because I had hot/cold sensitivity on one tooth (I was expecting them to tell me to brush with Sensodyne and I'd be on my way, imagine the shock when they're pulling out my nerve) and so they're like "We're just going to take a few X-rays, la dee da" and then out of nowhere appears everyone's best friend, the huge-ass stainless steel freezing needle.
"Umm... can I get my X-rays taken without the freezing?"
"No. No X-rrrays witout freezing." (She had a bit of an accent.)
"Oh. Okay." She's the boss. I wasn't going to argue. But I was a little confused when they proceeded with the X-ray before the numbing juice had really set in, however I was delighted to see that the dentist was back and it was only 8:15, which meant I could go home and do my hair before class. Boy, was I mistaken.
He sat down, put on his mask, leaned towards me while rubbing his hands together in glee and announced: "And now, we wait."
Um. "What exactly is it we're waiting for...?" I glance around anxiously.
"The freezing to set in."
"...But you already took the X-rays!!"

Silly. You don't need freezing for X-rays! But you DO need it when they clamp a dam on your tooth, drill a hole in it and scrape out the insides. Which is precicely what they did to my tooth.

...Gross.

Confessions of a Fat Loser

"NO FOOD OR DRINK ON THE BUS"

Read the sign, as I hastly manuvered the cup of hazlenut ice cream from Laura Secord out of sight in hopes the bus driver hadn't noticed and I could still hitch a ride. But I wasn't quick enough.

"No food on the bus, even though I can see you hiding it behind your back" The bus driver said to me in a plainly accusatory tone.

...Damn. We'd have to catch the next one. My accomplice Caitlin and I staggered off the local transit vehicle and into a fit of giggles at poor Annie the Fatty's expense. My expense. It was nippy out, and we'd have to wait for the next bus - but gawd! For what it's worth, it was worth every little taste! For the rich, creamy sensations of that hazlenut and chocolate dream, why, I'd gladly get kicked off of a thousand busses!

But, soft! What light 'round yonder corner turns? Behold! It is none other than the illustrious glow of the approaching city bus - seven minutes late, but never more welcome!

"Hey Anne, we can catch this one!"
Quick, Fatty! Think fast! Save the ice cream - it's all that matters! ... ...THE PURSE!

I quickly stash the precious ice cream inside my already open Jack Skellington bag. Alas, it is safe. However, this shameless display of resourcefulness now has my accomplice in a relentless fit of laughter (possibly due to the fact that she was embarassed for the both of us) that threatens to give us away!

The bus driver was cranky and running late, so even though Caitlin was chorltling manically he didn't argue with us (or search us for drugs and/or hazlenut ice cream) and so we proceeded to the back of the bus, where I retrieved my delectable prize from it's hiding spot so that I could continue to savour it's frozen wonder. While Caitlin continued to laugh at me. All the way downtown.

...I have a feeling I havn't heard the end of this yet.
...I have a feeling that I may not hear the end of this for a very long time.

But dammmn! That's some fine ice cream.

Annie's recipe for THUNDER THIGHS!

If you ever really need to get fat for some reason, I have my own recipe that will help you out. I call it the McFatty Sandwich! You will need:

- 1 egg
- milk
- bread (1 or 2 slices, depending)
- cream cheese
- iceing sugar
- maple syrup or honey (optional)
- a frying pan, stove, and spatula

What you do, is you take two pieces of bread (white bread would theoretically be preferable, though the origional prototype was made with whole wheat because The Mother is a health-concious grocery shopper) or one piece of bread for a McFatty Light, and proceed to make french toast. (Beat up an egg, add enough milk so that the egg is less concentrated and you have enough goo for your french toast, dip in the bread on both sides and throw it in the frying pan!)
After the toast is done (make SURE it's done, otherwise it's kinda nasty - it's okay to stab the middle of your toast with the spatula to see if it's cooked, you're gunna cut it anyways) set it on your plate and proceed to slather on a layer of cream cheese! (And I mean a THICK layer, more than what's on a Tim Horton's bagel! This is the magic ingredient of the McFatty Sandwich, after all! Do NOT hold back on the magic ingredient!!) It is best to use a fruit flavoued cream cheese (I used pineapple!) as it will provide a tastier result. For a McFatty Light, cut the bread in half NOW and use the two halves to create your sandwich! For an origional McFatty, after you have heaped on as much cream cheese as you dare, use the two slices to make your sandwich! Now garnish your creation with iceing sugar, or even maple syrup or honey if the mood strikes! Enjoy!

*For the fattest results, it is best to consume the McFatty immediately before bed - if possible, have someone make it for you (less activity) and eat it in bed - You don't even have to get up!

Also. I should mention that personally, I don't generally gain weight. BA HA HA HA! Suckas!

...Don't hate.

A Sneak Preview

Mood: excellent
Music: Rolling Stones - I can't get no satisfaction

The problem with going to the gym so often (three times this week! Which, as I pointed out to Cat, is more often than married people have sex!) is that now I want to eat like a horse. And not just any old horse, either - no pansy Seabiscuit ponies! I mean like one of those big macho horses that work the feilds all day - a clydesdale!

...Man I could go for a Big Mac.

Anyways. If you turn your attention to Exhibit A, you will see my halloween costume (which I gingerly laid in the grass so you could see how nicely the purple of my spider web cape [A] comes out). The only truly 'thrifty' unit of my costume is [C], the gawd-awful, unnatural, heavy, flame-retardant black bungee skirt. It's good though because it is made out of billions of tiny elastics which give it a bewitching sort of movement, and includes a slit which I didn't know when I bought it, but I think it adds to the appeal. [B] is just this cute lacey black cami that I found at Winners and [D] are a pair of something that can't decide whether they're shoes or boots, but they're black and they lace up and I got them for FREE, therefore making them perfect in all ways. Not present are pantyhoes. Hehe, panty'hoes'...

Now, if you take a look at Exhibit B,you will notice a crapload of makeup, including the previously mentioned kilo of black eye makeup [C] (which is accompanied by brownish/pinkish eyeshadow which is fabulous under the eyes and cheekbones)! Also present is the black nail polish [A], essential for any good halloween, white hairspray [B] to create that "I'm dead" look, mascara and eye liner [D] which I will be using plenty of, powder that is way paler than I am [E], and finally, a cache of lipsticks [F] which combine to make a dark and freakish result. Not present are the crapload of bobby pins and possible wax product I will be needing to give Robert Smith's hair a run for it's money.

Ta Da!

just wanted to say. . .

Has anyone seen the new Mr. Clean commercial? Best thing EVER!!!!

Hey la de da, my PC's back!

Mood: cheery
Music: smashing pumpkins - zero

Today my student wore this really trippy shirt that was black with very closely-spaced white polkadots on it, and I was totally dizzy all morning just from looking at it! ...Jerk.

Anywhoo. My computer has been viral for the past few days which sucked as far as getting on the internet went. But YAY! It is now cleansed. And I shal resume my tale of the BEST WEDNESDAY EVER!!!

Dr. Phil turned out to be a bit of a disappointment, as the lesbian's sister really annoyed me and it was just a regular people-being-stupid-about-something episode. HOWEVER! That slight let-down was more than made up for, as earlier that afternoon was software training and whatnot up in the ol' yearbook room - me and this other girl decided to stay late and goof around with photoshop and as destiny would have it, she uploaded a picture of my asshole ex-boyfriend! And let me tell you. He just looked more handsome by the second ;-) heh heh heh... oh, cheap dirty thrills how I love you.

Now onto the main course - CHOW MEIN!!

Damn that's some delectable stuff. Seriously. If I am ever convicted of crimes against humanity and get handed the captial punishment, that is what my last meal is going to look like.

I even worked the chopsticks and everything! :-D

Now onto... DESSERT!

YAY AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL! (...And LOST!)

. . .Damn that's some delectable stuff. Kim is hot. I mean it, I have a total crush on her. I'm not even a lesbian, but I would be for Kim. She's pretty much the man of my dreams.

Te he!

Caitlin, you can have Sawyer. -I- want Kim.

Prrow.

Anywhoo. My evening went off smashingly. The whole halloween costume thing came together well on account of I have yet again relied on the fact that I pull off the 'kilo of black eye makeup' look quite nicely.

And I am going to go now.

Cheerio!

Father of the Year Award!

Mood: sensational!!
Music: Diana Krall - Temptation

Today started off on a horrible note, as I had to be at school at the ungodly hour of 8:00 in the morning for Fah's Dinner Theatre project- but no matter!! 'Cause I'm officially going to have the best. Wednesday. EVER. Allow me to explain, and in doing so make everyone who reads this extremely jealous.

Aside from the fact that Wednesday's topic on Dr. Phil just so happens to be "I'm Gay, OK?" which promises excitement, The Father has offered (on his own free will) to take me to a resturaunt of MY CHOICE! And buy me FOOD! ...YAY! After some careful consideration I've decided against favourites Diana's and The Greek Garden and managed to narrow it down to this hot little number. (Go on, click!)

Oh, yes! Lemon coconut chicken! Chow mein! Which one of these delectable entres to choose? Whatever the final verdict I'll try and remeber to post pictures, if I havn't died of excruciating anticipation pains before then.

But that's not all! Oh, no. Because after I'm done eating the food someone else has bought for me, I am then going to be spending someone else's money at. . .

VALUE VILLAGE! Yay for cheap stuff! And then we're going to be risque and climb up the poverty ladder a bit and go to WINNERS!! And I am going to aquire MORE stuff without spending a single hard-earned cent of my own money! Woo Hoo!!

So... what's the occasion? ...Kayla's coming. The g/f. I think he figures that if miracles of generosity start happening when she's around I'll cut out the eye-rolling and dramatic sighing when he's on the phone with her all friggin' night. (What's up with that anyways!? I'M the teenage girl here, and even I've got a ways to go before I become that moronic :-P) Oh well, who knows... but in the mean time-- FREE STUFF! :-D

Ta Da.

Thankyou, Guelph Mercury.

Mood: soooo very very boooored.
Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar Tissue

Today I read an article in the local newspaper by a Rebecca Kendall titled "Some days don't go according to plan".

Ooh man! Watch out for this one. She's a catalyst! A journalistic fireball!!

Grr... It seems that for today, at least, my concience has taken on the form of Thumper the rabbit. This bothers me. ...Immensely. "If you can't say somethin' nice... don't say nothin' at all."

Thanks, Thumper. You keep me in line.

Cheerio.

Everybody Hates Anneliese

Mood: tired

I've been getting the feeling that everyone hates me today. The following exchange of words occoured between my Pretend Internet Boyfriend and myself whilst on the phone:

Me: "I should get going soon."
PIB: "Oh, good, I don't have to say it."


. . .Next! Allow me to present a heart-warming motherly-daughterly conversation that took place between The Mother and I later in the evening:

Me: [laying on the floor after a bout of hyperactivity] "I think I'll do some crunches! ...One!...-"
TM: "I think you'll need to do more than that, honey."


. . . Oh no you DIDN'T!

[Over.]

Jesus may have built your hotrod...

But Jackson Pollock made my toaster strudel.

Mmmmm.

Musings of a Free Spirit

Mood: kinda sad but I'll live
Music: The Doors - Summers Almost Gone

In celebration of the "its the little things that count" mentality that my society is much deprived of, I would like to share with you my most favouritest thing in the world at this exact moment in time.
I absolutely love driving down Imperial towards Speedvale, just past the lights at Westwood where the road curves to the left, all the fallen leaves get caught in the middle and woosh around like snowflakes in a snowglobe when you drive by them. I think it's so neat!

Anyways. I finally got to the post office to mail birthday treasures to my favorite Russian- approximately nine days after his birthday. ...But it's the thought that counts, right?
And with the Storm season now upon us (everyone oustide of Guelph read: Junior A hockey season) I've just realized how much I miss Megs. I mean, now who can I to turn to when I must confess how enamoured I am with Ryan MacDonald?? *sigh*

Life is tough.

Ta Da.

Happy Canadian Turkey Weekend!

Mood: ooooh man I'm so FAT!
Music: Elton John - Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me

TURKEY WEEKEND!!! What is everyone thankful for?!?
Mikey - "I'm thankful for how good I look."
Cat - flowers and bunnies and rainbows, and of course, world peace!
Jake the Snake - "I'm thankful for homicide and rape."
The King - "...What?"

...Myself? Well, I am thankful for gumdrops! Te he!

Anywhoo, I pretty much had the most exciting weekend possible. So just don't even TRY to top this one!! Don't even try. Because you'll fail. It's that exciting.

I give you - Saturday.
My hip and cool father decided it would be a stupendous ammount of fun if we all piled into the family vehicle to go and see the Owen Sound fish ladder!! (Apparently it really is the place to be if you're from Owen Sound.)
...'What the eff is a fish ladder?' you ask -- allow me to enlighten you!
A fish ladder is like a little aquatic staircase for fishies that is built beside dams, so that when they decide to go upstream to make little fish babies their efforts are not hindered, causing them to become extinct because of said dam.
So, after driving for an hour we arrived at the fish ladder where I discovered to my immediate displeasure that the fish run was pretty much over-- in total, I saw one salmon propell it's self into the air, only to go flying into a wall of concerete nowhere near the actual fish ladder. ...It was a tad anticlimactic.
Also there were a couple of big fat lazy-ass salmon just sort of chillaxin' in the shallow part of the river who couldn't be bothered to jump. And so my dad, afflicted with another stroke of genius, decided it would be a great idea to let the dog loose to see if she could fetch us a couple salmon steaks - because by his reasoning a dog can't be prosecuted for poaching salmon. Thankfully, being the merciful animal that she is, she took off after a duck half a mile down the river and I was spared the embarassment of becoming a salmon poacher infront of half of Owen Sound.
Our Saturday adventures also lead us through a lively little town called Meaford, who had just wrapped up their annual scarecrow festival! Which meant there were limp, straw-filled bodies lining the streets and dangling off traffic lights at intersections, and suffice to say it freaked me the hell out.

...Fortunately, a merciful dose of alcohol helped finish up my day on happy note. And now let me say: Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Ta Da.

Ask Paris!

Mood: amused
Music: Neil Young - Heart of Gold

Apparently there've been religious objections to a map-colouring project in World Issues. The objective is to indicate, using symbols, where resources come from all over the globe. However, there's been some concern over the use of the fish to represent fisheries, as everyone knows the fish is a symbol for Christ and it would just be plain sacrilegious to use it for anything else.

So yes, it seems that in this individual's version of Christianity you can lie profusely, but you can't draw a fish on a piece of paper.

Paris Says:

"That's silly. You make me giggle."

...Ta Da!

I hate Carrie Bradshaw.

Mood: pretty much devastated.
Music: Our Lady Peace - One Man Army

Damn you, Carrie Bradshaw. No longer can I live vicariously through you in bliss, unless that is, I wanted to live vicariously as a filthy cheating whore who, on top of being a filthy cheating whore, is now fresh out of dreamy boyfriends.
...I have become quite taken with taking in reruns of Sex and the City every Tuesday and Wednesday on TBS. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I have become quite taken with fictional character Aidan Shaw who is, in a nutshell, the man of my dreams. (Tall, ridiculously handsome, makes pretty things, has a dog- and morals... ie, is practically perfect in every way.)
And she'd been cheating on him!!!! With her nasty (not to mention married) ex boyfriend who looks like a wildabeast that decided to get up and walk on two feet! And she confessed to Aidan! And now! He's GONE!!! (...Until season four!) And so, I weep.

I hate you Carrie Bradshaw.

You slut.

quit walking in my blind spot.

Mood: good, considering I got 'kicked out' no less than five times lastnight
Music: Elton John - I guess that's why they call it the blues.

One of The Mother's favourite hobbies is playing 'Jerry Springer' where she pretends she's a guest on the Jerry Springer show and goes bananas and attempts to break my arm in five seperate places and stuff like that. It's not a very enjoyable activity if you're not The Mother.

Anywhoo. Saturday was Cat's rockin' birthday party which took place exactly a month after her actual birthday. It was fun, but with pictures featuring Mikey as an 80's stripper and myself about to give birth to a balloon slyly concealed beneath my shirt, I'm not in a hurry to post them on the world wide web... but let's get to my next story!!

Andy, you're a star! My friend's little brother has found himself in a bit of a moral dilemma, which I find rather amusing. As to intice more students into showing up for photo day this year, we had a draw where, if you bought a ticket when you got your photo taken ($1 = 1 ticket, $2 = 3 tickets, $5 = 15 tickets) you would be eligible to win an iPod. So this one guy buys like a hundred tickets, and out of the pure goodness of his heart sells one to his buddy, the kid bro.
...Who then won the iPod. Ironic, isn't it? Titillating, even. What will he do?! Will he keep the iPod which he won fair and square with his own purchased ticket, risking his friendship and the unwelcome prospect of awaking to find slaughterd animals laying at the foot of his bed? Will he reveal himself as a true blue companion and surrender his prize to the fool that sold him the ticket? (KEEP THE IPOD! FREE IPOD! KEEP IT!) Only time will tell...

Now I have to look into renting some policemen for the dance thingie that I'm head of.

Ta Da!