"Come to Kenya, We've got Lions"

Mood: I need to pee so bad right now that I frankly can't care about my mood, but if I get up Jake will commadeer the computer
Music: "Bang Bang"- Nancy Sinatra (from Kill Bill! :-D)

Oh bladder, why do you hurt me?

...With remarks like that I'm surprised I have friends. :-P

Today myself and a group of brave (and I do mean brave) people cleaned out the costume room at GCVI. There was cake crusted onto the floor (it does have a floor by the way, we found it!!!), aswell as brown stains on much of the costumes and a roll of duct-tape for no particular reason... though Robbie Baby took the liberty of speculating many a reason, all of which included Bersche and Bergin involved in some "extra-cirricular activity".

It was alright though, dispite the fact that I was violated more than once by Fabio--I got a hat!!!

Where can you see lions...

Uhh I think I said I was going to type about a predicament. But that's boring!

...Only in Kenya!

Tomorrow I'm going to watch Ryan play football! Haha! Then I'm going to see Franz Ferdinand for reasons I cannot recall at the present time.

Ta Da.

Building a Mystery

Mood: neither here nor there
Music: surfacing - Sarah Mclachlan

You know there are people in this world that talk just to hear themselves talk - well, I believe that in this technologically advanced world of ours there are also people who type just to hear (watch?) themselves type. And I believe that in this moment I am one of those people.

Welcome to the random -- welcome to my mind!

I would like to start of by saying that if you are ever to purchase a good CD, go get Surfacing. Don't go to HMV or anywhere where you'll end up paying $20 for a fourty-minute CD, go second-hand. I saw it at the thrift shop downtown for $5. :D And if you're not one to squander your cash on short CDs, get Mirrorball because it has alot of the same songs on it, plus more so it's longer and you feel better when you have a CD in your walkman but no money in your wallet.

Now to address my psychological cat fight.

I was reading Mikey's blog just now and I read a part about my cunning aquarian ability to see both sides of an arguement. That's one thing about myself that I'm actually quite proud of, unfortunately it is a trait of an ideal person who happens to be living in a not-so-ideal world. I can easily identify with the thoughts and feelings on either side of an arguement and quickly come to a pristine understanding, that is, in any conflict but my own. I am an extremely emotional person, who in my lifetime has managed to supress my feelings for the most part inside. Now when something comes up that I can't step outside of, my feelings blur my vision and lead me mentally walking in dizzy circles unsure of what I'm supposed to do. (Pretty nice, eh? I love highschool!)
As a result of my whole ordeal with Derek, my overall ability to empathize has been obscured -- he treated me so badly and unfairly that I lost some respect for him as a person that he'll never regain. Now when I look at a problem, instead of seeing crystal clear what is the matter and what I should do, which is an ability I've taken for granted all my life, I just get confused. I imagine it to be something like standing on the bottom of a dark murky lake - you can't see anything and you are dazed by the seemingly overwhelming pressure and weight of the water.
That, I suppose, is my ideal way of living that I have shaped my existance around being rejected by blunt reality. My sense of fairness and trust have been nothing short of sabotaged by the insensitive, selfish behaviour of one person I made the mistake of getting that close to.
Sorry to be 'dramatic', but that's what it did to me. Now in the piecing back together of myself, a self that's hopefully more compatable with reality, I often get confused which on occaison goes as far as paranoia. To give myself a little credit here, I know my paranoia is by no means unfounded... but I also know that I'm not very trusting and on top of that, a rather excitable and at times resentful character. It would perhaps benifit me to have more confidence in specific individuals.

Ah-ha! Now you know where I'm going with this! Anyways... I do not revoke my "bitch" comment that I made to Blondie because at the time it was completely sincere (however impulsive it might have been).
But if it's any consolation to you, it takes one to know one.
And on that note, even though my calling her a bitch was sincere in that moment, my previously posted rehtorical questioning of her integrity as a girl that likes boys wasn't. Infact, considering her "history" aswell as the "histories" of some of the people doing the, shal we say, 'tsk-tsking', hers comparitively shines like mother of pearl. So, yes the girl can piss me off, and on the occasion that she does, she does quite the teriffic job of it - but a fact is a fact, and she's a far cry from the town bicycle.

More to come. After a proofread, I'm feeling too intellectual now and it scares me.

Cheerio!

All of my life... where have you been?

I had a dream lastnight that Lenny Kravitz was my spirit guide.

...Has God come to me in the form of a black man in fishnets?

We may never know.

Over.

Girls will be girls. ...God save us all...

Mood: irratated
Music: People are strange - The Doors

So top story for today is I called Blondie a bitch.

"*GASP*" You say. "Why ever would you, Anneliese, a more-or-less well adjusted, normally non-verbally abusive young lady utter such a vile nasty word at your friend, dear sweet little Blondie?"

Well, firstoff, I've come to realize that rather than finding her dear and sweet I've really found her rather irratating - on and off since May, but more specifically and importantly, since last Thursday. And it's not that I don't like her, it's not her that irratates me - it's her little joyrides with Derek that piss me off and her discreet "oh look at me, I'm so innocent" way going about it that piss me off even more so. And that she lied through her teeth about it only to dangle him infront of my face in the van a matter of days later. And that when she wasn't around I was the one that said "let's call [Blondie]" but when it came to the day of Mikey's birthday party and she was with Derek and Spunki I bet it never even occured to her to call me. And that she sends Derek these pathetic disgusting little e-mails that include such phraises as "you're the only one I can really talk to" when infact he's the only one she really tries to talk to. Phone calls from Cambridge? Nope, I never got one of those though I'm entirely sure the whole group knew I was home. E-mails? Nope, I never got one of those -- untill it was cover-your-ass time.

Last Thursday I couldn't find Derek on my spare anywhere because he was downtown, and I didn't see him untill he came prancing merrily around the corner - conjoined to who's hip? Oh look, it's Blondie. He's conjoined to Blondie's hip, everybody! I find it funny how he can be downtown and she can be in sociology and yet they manage to run into eachother... also they were too close when I approached them so I know something was up. Sneaking around with my ex-boyfriend, yeah the only person I've liked enough to go out with, the person who was my closest friend for a whole year, the only person I've felt the urge to be with, the only person I ever kissed for God's sake, the first person I ever loved, the person that I only wish I no longer had feelings for - yeah, him. What a good friend you are to go sneaking around with him. I appreciate it Christina I really do. (Sarcasm.)

That was Thursday.

Today I walked to class my normal way, by myself, as Mikey, Derek and Blondie went off down the butterfly hall into the new building. After art class I saw Derek -- I didn't know his classroom was in the same building as mine -- so, I went to go say hi to him, but before I caught up with him he had conjoined with Blondie... who was escorting him to class?!!? 'What kind of bullshit is this?' I thought to myself, but that's when I figured it out - the reason they ditch me in the morning must be so that they can go fondle eachother before class. How nice.

That girl knows better. Maybe she didn't know better at Wonderland, but she knew better on registration day and she damnwell knows better now, after we've talked about it! She's said she dosn't want to date him, and I distinctly recall her making a production out of saying so on Spunki's relationship quiz. So... what's up Blondie, are you a tramp or something? Are you easy? I personally don't think you are but I've argued with girls who do, so do I now have to go appologize to those people and tell them I was wrong?

I hate liars and hypocrites with a passion.

Well, it's pretty clear to me that this friendship is not going to work out so long as she's dancing aorund Derek. It hurts. It really really does, and I'm tired of holding it all in. I'm tired of being the human compromise so that everyone else can screw around, do whatever they want and "have fun". Maybe I did hurt her today by calling her a bitch. Maybe I'll feel bad about it later, but right now I feel like I'm breathing again after four months of holding my breath. Maybe she'll be up untill four o'clock in the morning because she thinks I hate her. I don't hate her. I'd like to slip her some LSD and stick her in a room full of clowns, though. I'm just really fed up.



A note on hurtful language - I am morally opposed to the use of foul language when directed towards other people, especially friends (even though in this case the term 'friend' is debateable). I don't think I'm slick or tough or a hot shot or anything for calling her that. I'd really rather not... people who use ugly language make themselves out to be ugly people. I don't like it, but if you push anything far enough it will break. ...And I don't think that justifies it, I guess I'm a weaker person than I'd like to be.


Time to go watch Edward Scissorhands again!

Back From The Dead

Mood: orange
Music: Pictures Of You - The Cure

Fuck generic black font. Today I'm Terrific in Teal! :-D

Okay... well... long time no blogging on account of I had no computer for a week and a bit, but that's no biggie because anyone who reads this sees me pretty much every day anyhow so they know how it is (or at least how I let them think it is).

Today I ran into someone who is very attractive and who I've had a crush on since 1993. Yes yes, my first love-- err, um ...first fictional character that I wanted to bone -- Johnny Depp. In Edward Scissorhands. Seriously. Ever since I was six I've wanted to marry him!! He's dreamy. *giggle* *blush*

Since my computer's back I have windows media player with the funky doodads that make me want to just get incredibly stoned and sit there and watch it all evening - 'dandelionaid' goes really good with Prayers for Rain, by the way. ;-)

Woops! Just dropped mommy's ring, my family heirloom, into the plumsauce. ...Clumsy me.

Alright. Time for me to go to e-mail land and then swoon over Edward some more.

Toodles!

Hat Trick!

Okay so I took this test to find out what personality disorders I have... :-P!

Disorder Rating

Paranoid: Moderate

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: Moderate

Antisocial: Low

Borderline: Moderate

Histrionic: High

Narcissistic: Low

Avoidant: Low

Dependent: High

Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html


Wow... holy crap!!! lol!!!! Errrgg... I don't think I'm that much of an attention-seeker, I mean, I have a tendency to, with my exceptional capacity for emotion take things a little dramatic at times, but I don't hold a candle to Bunny or anyone slightly reminiscant of her... :-P Haha. And I'm not dependent!! Screw you, test!! lol!

PEACE and LOVE, my people... ohhh, the jokes, the jokes...

...retake.

You are Love.
You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.

...Don't ask me how the hell that happened. I think this test needs some adjustments...
I was expecting something more along the lines of:
"You are Loss. Your life defines tragedy. You have experienced great hardships on an unimaginable scale and it has jaded your view of life. "

Or, to really out-do myself,
"You are Hate. You care little to nothing about people and things around you. You are consumed by feelings of animosity and loathing towards everything or one thing and it affects your view of all that is around you. "

*chuckles* I would like to take this time to announce that the song "Only One" by Yellowcard is perhaps the most annoying thing to assult my eardrums since I had the misfourtune of stumbling across a live broadcast of Lou Vega performing Mambo Number 5.

I also discovered just now why black ju-jubes taste good and not like that toxic black licorice - because they are really just grape ju-jubes in disguise!! That's right, if you twist them they turn purple! :-)

Goodnight, Wisconson!

I'm Moving

Mood: mad at two random people and you'll never ever guess who! [sarcasm]
Music: 'Everything's not Lost' - Coldplay

Right now I'm moving all of my neat-o files onto my other e-mail address because my computer is going to get cleaned out on Thursday. (Sorry to get all of your hopes up with the title. :-P)



You are Peace.
You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"


What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Aww, how precious. I gaurentee you that is at least half a year old.
Anyways. This is boring. Talk more later.

Something old, Something new...

Mood: disatisfied but pining, in my ever-so idealistic (...humanitarian? ;-) )Aquarian way :-P
Music: 'Angel' - Sarah McLachlan

Lastnight at Mikey's was better than it has been in a month, on account of Kandice wasn't so reminiscent of an animal in heat. (Though instinct tells me that didn't happen on his own accord.) It was great, the whole group got along (blimey, there IS a God!) and just talked like friends without the tenseness that has accompanied us when we are all together for the past little while. And that's the way it should be - we should be a group of friends, not a group of back-stabbing pricks in rose-coloured glasses. Blondie and Kandice should start killing it off now, it's not going to work out. So, Kandice, no crowding and distastefully inauthentic "I've never felt this way before" speeches, and Blondie, no overly-frequent phonecalls and holding hands. You're not in nearly as deep as you could be, so please just get it into your heads that it won't work.
Now - we come to the problem that the attraction still exists, which is unfortunate because seeing as how things went down between Kandice and I, I have a nearly inexistant capacity to sympathize towards this matter. It wasn't easy for me to turn away from everything that I felt that was so real and alive for me, and deny sharing the affection that came so naturally. It was confusing and it was torture... for the first few weeks. To this day it still doesn't feel right, but the cold unforgiving truth of it is that this is reality. I didn't do it because I wanted to, or because I felt it was the right thing to do- I did it because Kandice gave me no other choice.
Asking them to "kill it off" is not a selfish or insensitive act on my part, at least not from where I stand. It's that I know personally that in all of it's unpleasantness, it can be done. Kind of like the monks in their righteous self-denial. I can give them credit in that what they have to do to ensure the 'health', if you will, of our group of friends is a possibly more selfless thing than I had to do. I, like I said, had no other option. Blondie and Kandice have two options - they can take the easy way and be completely selfish, continuing to humor their feelings under the disapproving eyes of the group, and at the expense of my misery. Or, they could selflessly choose to put the happiness of the group, including myself, ahead of their own wants, which is to fool around with eachother. I know how difficult it is, but I know that it is the best way.(Personally I don't know why they would choose to kill the group if they're just in it for fun anyways.)
And I don't want anyone to feel threatened - I certainly don't plan on 'hooking up' with Kandice, so Blondie has nothing to worry about there. It's just that, even though I don't "like" him, because he was my first and I never got a chance to let go, I will always have 'feelings' for him. That's why it will always pain me to see them together, and since she is a part of the group it will never ever work out. However, I do hope to regain my old 'connection' or level of friendship that I had with him before this whole soap opera began. I don't know if she realizes this but we were very close - That is not to say that I plan to take him away, or 'overshadow' her friendship with him - on the contrary, for if it was, that would make me the biggest hypocrite that ever blogged. I don't know what she has planned, but if this does happen and him and I do become close again, which is ultimately what I want, that will mean that whatever 'special connection' she has with him will become a three-way affair. And I think that could be a great thing, because not only does it mean I have Kandice back again, it means I have another close friend aswell, which seems like almost a sweeter deal than being 'with' Kandice in the first place. Well, that would be cool, but we'll see...

Ta Da!

Stupid

I just got back from seeing Deborah. I wish everyone had a Deborah, that would be extremely cool!

Anyways I really like one verse of 'Stupid' by Sarah McLachlan, it reminds me of myself and my failed relationship and stuff. And its true - it's really really stupid.

Love has made me a fool, set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak, except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time, speaking of fabulous places,
create an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
a simpleton can see
that you're no good for me
...but you're the only one I see

I also really like that she said 'simpleton' :-)

Over and Out.

ATTACK!

Mood: oddly perky
Music: Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl

I had a dream lastnight where I was on the bus, and I saw Mikey and Blondie on their way back from Kandice's house. I got off the bus and went over to meet them. I said to Mikey:
"Hello Michael, how was your evening?"
"Pretty good" he replied. I then turned to Blondie and said:
"Hello boyfriend stealing wench, how was your evening?"

...There's a subconcious mind at work for you. Anyways, after my greeting she just gave me a look which turned into our sole mode of interaction throughout the duration of my dream.

Mikey has referred to my 'destructive puppy' compairison to Blondie as an attack - a justifyable one, yet still an attack. ...And I thought I was the idealistic one! I, like many good people I know, am not a big fan of conflict - however, seeing as the role of 'discarded thing in the corner' is not working out for me while she relishes in all of his attention which I'm sure she's not in the least bit sorry to receive... realistically, there's going to be conflict.

I also had a dream where Rob and Sally's backyard was demolished by a rampaging elephant.

Toodles!

"My day just got worse."

...That's what I said when Kandice showed up in my english class.

(Kandice=Derek... you see when it comes to his interactions with me, there's nothing really masterful about him so I decided refering to him as 'The Maestro' is just a little silly. Kandice is the name of a person that I don't know who ditched all of her friends for a love intrest - and I grimace at the preceding abuse of the word 'love' - so, I found that name to be much more befitting.)

What was formerly shaping up to be an enjoyable class has just contracted a disease. ...I am such a bitch sometimes and I know it, but how can I be expected to act amiably towards someone when all they have done for the past three months is feed me lies and treat me as an afterthought? Argh, I am so fed up with this incestuous little group! While I'm on the topic, I don't hold Blondie's word in high esteem (really, how could I?) and it particularily frusterates me when I constantly find myself second-guessing all these people who are supposed to be my best friends. There's a feeling I get sometimes when I'm around her like there's a little puppy digging up or otherwise mutalating a precious garden that you have created and nurtured for many a season, and all you want to do is give the horrid animal a good punt but it would kill you to do it because it's just a cute little puppy.
...Do you follow me? Haha. Anyways... she has to know that my friendliness towards her is not entirely sincere - if she doesn't than she's being more of an idiot than I am. There's about a thousand things that I impulsively would love to lash out, but I actually had this eerily realistic dream that I did and in doing so made her almost cry, and then I felt bad, so theoretically I should count this as a blessing and just bite my tongue for a while longer...

Fiddle dee dee.

...You know, if it weren't for all this Kandice shit I would be alot better off with alot of people.

Toodles, Darlings.

"Oh, a large combustable vehicle with hazard lights! That's nice!"

Mood: borderline anxious but kinda good
Music: "stuck in the middle with you" - Bob Dylan

Okay, so, I lied! We left Saturday and NOT Friday - I'm a bad, bad person and I appologize for leading you on like that. I'm going to hell. :-P
Montreal was good, except for the driving part (personally I'm not a huge fan of sitting on my ass for hours on end). Especially when Father drives like a professional Moho... when you hit Missassauga it's a little unerving. He's also like a little dog when it sees a squirrel or something -- Today there was a Porsche about nine cars ahead of us on the 401 and I guess the pride kicked in because next thing I knew our little 1995 diesel-powered Volkswagon was infront of it. ..Yes, after the last few hours on the road, I'm quite sure I enjoy being alive.
Yesterday was my uncle's surprise party. Since he had already had a party the day before, this one really worked on account of he wasn't expecting it. Woo Hoo! Everyone was inside this cottage place, and Pete (my other uncle) meandered on in followed by Karl who didn't know what the hell was going on! ...It was pretty funny, apparently he thought we were some kind of religious convention having a picnic on a nice Sunday afternoon and he was just about to appologize for his intrusive family when we all shouted "surprise". :-) Then there was a powerpoint presentation about his life wich included authentic pictures of him as a runway model - haha.

(Point and laugh, Point and laugh!)

Yesterday I attained an injury playing soccer with a pair of moderately good-looking francophones. I was running barefoot and I got about a quarter of the way to having impaled my left foot on the remnants of a baby tree. Woops.
Also, I was quite determined to have an adult take me into town so I could go hunting for CDs, mainly The Unicorns. However, to my dismay I soon found that I was the only driver left 'designated' and so yet another dream of mine never materialized... darn them all!!

Ho hum... well, tonight is the annual street party from hell and as part of this year's theme you're supposed to dress up as a cartoon character. I'm dressing up as Spinelli from Recess just to humer the youngsters.

Argh... school... tomorrow...

twist in the wind

Mood: neutral
Music: 'Time of Your Life' by Greenday

Seeing as I'll be away in Montreal for the next couple of evenings, I thought the courteous thing to do would be to compse a blog before my departure. What to say, oh, what to say...
Tuesday I met Deborah. Deborah talks to people. I talked to Deborah. Deborah is an okay lady! Anyways, the Thursday after school starts I'm going back to the Homewood with fresh new material involving The Mother and her super parenting skills. (Not.) Let's say it's no wonder I have some issues.
As for The Maestro... I miss him, but all I can say right now is fuck him. It's been a week since his little flip-out and I lost considerable sleep getting back to him ASAP and - no word. No fucking word... if he was half the person I thought he was I would have gotten something, seeing as how e-mails are so convienient for him it's absolutely the least he could do. I hardly care that he likes Blondie. Honestly. The thing that really drives right through my core is that he replaced me with her in every which way... she waltez into the picture and all of a sudden I'm not only out a boyfriend, the only person I've ever had feelings for let alone [l-word]ed, but I'm out a best friend too. Wonderful!! And it's not her fault that The Maestro is such an incredible jerk to me, but she hasn't exactly discouraged him from what I've seen. And I suppose he's just too self-centered to know better or even to care. There's no great mystery to him - he's insensitive. And seeing as I was so involved with that, so captivated by him for so long I don't particularily enjoy admitting it. But he hasn't done anything to make me even remotely think otherwise... so what am I supposed to say??

I absolutely dispise this whole incestuous web.

On a happier note -- Wednesday was Spunki's sweet sixteen!! Yay! I did some last-second shopping and found the perfect gift!! I am so pleased with myself! Hehe... It's a silver (real silver) bracelette made up of tiny chain links and skull & crossbones! I thought it was really cool, but it was so much more befitting for her than it was for me... and I can't believe what a frigging amazing deal I got it for! (It was "old stock".) Plus the lady there gave me a pretty little box painted with black and yellow flowers for only a dollar!!! Wow. And Spunki loved it, which is the important thing. Yay!! Happy birthday!

And... celebrating another birthday is yet another lovely virgo friend of mine, Sunny! That was on Thursday (today, yesterday, it's all the same when I haven't gone to bed yet). Yay!! Happy birthday! Hehe!

That's all, folks! ...Unless you take into account more stupid aggravating stuff that really isn't all that fun, so I'm going to twist in the wind and pretend it's not happening, as it at the very same time is scaring up my life! Sounds like a plan to me!!

NiTe NiTe