Building a Mystery

Mood: neither here nor there
Music: surfacing - Sarah Mclachlan

You know there are people in this world that talk just to hear themselves talk - well, I believe that in this technologically advanced world of ours there are also people who type just to hear (watch?) themselves type. And I believe that in this moment I am one of those people.

Welcome to the random -- welcome to my mind!

I would like to start of by saying that if you are ever to purchase a good CD, go get Surfacing. Don't go to HMV or anywhere where you'll end up paying $20 for a fourty-minute CD, go second-hand. I saw it at the thrift shop downtown for $5. :D And if you're not one to squander your cash on short CDs, get Mirrorball because it has alot of the same songs on it, plus more so it's longer and you feel better when you have a CD in your walkman but no money in your wallet.

Now to address my psychological cat fight.

I was reading Mikey's blog just now and I read a part about my cunning aquarian ability to see both sides of an arguement. That's one thing about myself that I'm actually quite proud of, unfortunately it is a trait of an ideal person who happens to be living in a not-so-ideal world. I can easily identify with the thoughts and feelings on either side of an arguement and quickly come to a pristine understanding, that is, in any conflict but my own. I am an extremely emotional person, who in my lifetime has managed to supress my feelings for the most part inside. Now when something comes up that I can't step outside of, my feelings blur my vision and lead me mentally walking in dizzy circles unsure of what I'm supposed to do. (Pretty nice, eh? I love highschool!)
As a result of my whole ordeal with Derek, my overall ability to empathize has been obscured -- he treated me so badly and unfairly that I lost some respect for him as a person that he'll never regain. Now when I look at a problem, instead of seeing crystal clear what is the matter and what I should do, which is an ability I've taken for granted all my life, I just get confused. I imagine it to be something like standing on the bottom of a dark murky lake - you can't see anything and you are dazed by the seemingly overwhelming pressure and weight of the water.
That, I suppose, is my ideal way of living that I have shaped my existance around being rejected by blunt reality. My sense of fairness and trust have been nothing short of sabotaged by the insensitive, selfish behaviour of one person I made the mistake of getting that close to.
Sorry to be 'dramatic', but that's what it did to me. Now in the piecing back together of myself, a self that's hopefully more compatable with reality, I often get confused which on occaison goes as far as paranoia. To give myself a little credit here, I know my paranoia is by no means unfounded... but I also know that I'm not very trusting and on top of that, a rather excitable and at times resentful character. It would perhaps benifit me to have more confidence in specific individuals.

Ah-ha! Now you know where I'm going with this! Anyways... I do not revoke my "bitch" comment that I made to Blondie because at the time it was completely sincere (however impulsive it might have been).
But if it's any consolation to you, it takes one to know one.
And on that note, even though my calling her a bitch was sincere in that moment, my previously posted rehtorical questioning of her integrity as a girl that likes boys wasn't. Infact, considering her "history" aswell as the "histories" of some of the people doing the, shal we say, 'tsk-tsking', hers comparitively shines like mother of pearl. So, yes the girl can piss me off, and on the occasion that she does, she does quite the teriffic job of it - but a fact is a fact, and she's a far cry from the town bicycle.

More to come. After a proofread, I'm feeling too intellectual now and it scares me.

Cheerio!