Something old, Something new...

Mood: disatisfied but pining, in my ever-so idealistic (...humanitarian? ;-) )Aquarian way :-P
Music: 'Angel' - Sarah McLachlan

Lastnight at Mikey's was better than it has been in a month, on account of Kandice wasn't so reminiscent of an animal in heat. (Though instinct tells me that didn't happen on his own accord.) It was great, the whole group got along (blimey, there IS a God!) and just talked like friends without the tenseness that has accompanied us when we are all together for the past little while. And that's the way it should be - we should be a group of friends, not a group of back-stabbing pricks in rose-coloured glasses. Blondie and Kandice should start killing it off now, it's not going to work out. So, Kandice, no crowding and distastefully inauthentic "I've never felt this way before" speeches, and Blondie, no overly-frequent phonecalls and holding hands. You're not in nearly as deep as you could be, so please just get it into your heads that it won't work.
Now - we come to the problem that the attraction still exists, which is unfortunate because seeing as how things went down between Kandice and I, I have a nearly inexistant capacity to sympathize towards this matter. It wasn't easy for me to turn away from everything that I felt that was so real and alive for me, and deny sharing the affection that came so naturally. It was confusing and it was torture... for the first few weeks. To this day it still doesn't feel right, but the cold unforgiving truth of it is that this is reality. I didn't do it because I wanted to, or because I felt it was the right thing to do- I did it because Kandice gave me no other choice.
Asking them to "kill it off" is not a selfish or insensitive act on my part, at least not from where I stand. It's that I know personally that in all of it's unpleasantness, it can be done. Kind of like the monks in their righteous self-denial. I can give them credit in that what they have to do to ensure the 'health', if you will, of our group of friends is a possibly more selfless thing than I had to do. I, like I said, had no other option. Blondie and Kandice have two options - they can take the easy way and be completely selfish, continuing to humor their feelings under the disapproving eyes of the group, and at the expense of my misery. Or, they could selflessly choose to put the happiness of the group, including myself, ahead of their own wants, which is to fool around with eachother. I know how difficult it is, but I know that it is the best way.(Personally I don't know why they would choose to kill the group if they're just in it for fun anyways.)
And I don't want anyone to feel threatened - I certainly don't plan on 'hooking up' with Kandice, so Blondie has nothing to worry about there. It's just that, even though I don't "like" him, because he was my first and I never got a chance to let go, I will always have 'feelings' for him. That's why it will always pain me to see them together, and since she is a part of the group it will never ever work out. However, I do hope to regain my old 'connection' or level of friendship that I had with him before this whole soap opera began. I don't know if she realizes this but we were very close - That is not to say that I plan to take him away, or 'overshadow' her friendship with him - on the contrary, for if it was, that would make me the biggest hypocrite that ever blogged. I don't know what she has planned, but if this does happen and him and I do become close again, which is ultimately what I want, that will mean that whatever 'special connection' she has with him will become a three-way affair. And I think that could be a great thing, because not only does it mean I have Kandice back again, it means I have another close friend aswell, which seems like almost a sweeter deal than being 'with' Kandice in the first place. Well, that would be cool, but we'll see...

Ta Da!