#300.2 (aka. Ways to Terrify Your Mother)

Mood: No longer hungry. Have had generous fill of cookies. Am now tired.
Music: Neil Young - Keep on Rockin' in the Free World

Okay so my actual 300th post is in draft stage. Im too tired to be in recollection mode right now. So I decided instead to regale you with how I am steadily progressing my mother closer to a heart attack.

[this scene takes place in the car on the way back from Wendy's. I am eating fries out of the bag. Jake is freaking out.]
The Mother: Cut that out. You'd mind somebody elses germs too.
The Daughter: I'd mind some of your germs.
[The Mother swats at the seat beside her on which her daughter is leaning on from the back. The Daughter snickers.]
The Daughter: I wouldn't mind some of [anon.]'s germs... heh heh heh.
[cheeky comment has given rise to discussion of how The Daughter is conversing with a 50-year-old balding Mexican man who is posing as a sexy 20-something American on the internet. Jake claims that The Daughter flirts with "EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME! EVEN MIKE!"]
The Mother: [slightly unsettled] She's just practicing her skills for later on...
The Daughter: Oh, I don't practice those skills on Mike! ;-)
Jake: Eww! Get out!

A ha ha. My family hates me.

Ta Da.

#300

Mood: Hungry. I would have passionate sex with Jamie Oliver right now. Right after I pilfer his kitchen. Mmm... biscotti.
Music: Goldfinger cover of 99 Red Balloons

Hey, this is post # 300! If I had a year for every post, I'd be dead!!

Anyways. About the camping trip. Like I said, it was a successful event even though one of my immediate kin got so drunk that they got lost taking a wiz behind the tent and had to ask a random camper for help in getting back to the campsite. How embarassing... that was on Saturday night, so let's not get ahead of ourselves!

Friday
When The Father and I arrived at the gatehouse we were informed that we were the third of our party to check in. Splendid! However, upon arrival at our campsite there were no signs of any relatives. Nope. None. Though there were some rowdy twelve-year-olds and this wrinkly blonde thing that looked like walking AIDS... a camp ground would seem an unusual place for her to seek business, but once you take into account the ammount of alcohol and impared judgement that flows through the place, not to mention the added cover of darkness that only adds to her alure, it's not all that surprising.
Which brings me to... eww. A couple hours after we pitched the tents, (positioning them mere centemeters apart for maximum tarp coverage) at around 2:00 in the afternoon, we were treated to the sounds of someone taking a really painful dump... either that, or it was the din of passion. Ironic how sometimes you can't tell the difference. Eesh.

Anywho, by the time four o'clock rolled around and no one had joined us except a couple of agnostics, we began to suspect segregation. It was entirely plausible that all the little blacksheep had been strategically grouped together while the religious folk were off in another part of the park praying for our souls. That, or there was a funeral and someone forgot to call us.
...But it turns out we were just ambitious and arrived first - the gatekeepers had fed us lies.

Amongst others came my ritch bitch cousin Julie and her 'princess', Riley ("She's only used to playing with other Airedale Terriers!") and my aunt Regina, who provided stuffed steak and marinated shrimp for dinner before retiring to her tent in silk pajamas.

Saturday
This day officially started out with Aunt Jemima (who to my cousin Suzanna's dismay had lost her do-rag) but let us not forget the 4:00 in the morning incident.
Basically what happened was I couldnt sleep, and The Father, about 30 centemeters away from me in the other tent kept talking to his girlfriend (who had yet to arrive) in his sleep. To my utmost delight he shut up for about a half hour, and just as I was floating blissfully on the edge of conciousness, I (along with the rest of the park) was roused by "MY BABY'S COMIN' TA SEE ME!"
Great. That's just marvelous, I'M AWAKE again! So I retaliate with a well-articulated "Shut up!" - And that's when the real fun began.
The following five minutes were spent convincing The Father that I was not in his tent, that it in fact was the beagle that was in his tent... thanks dad, I'm really flattered that you can make that distinction.
AND THEN! After he'd come to, he decided to go start the fire while remarking over the next twenty-five minutes how weird that just was.

So, all in all I had about an hour of sleep that night. Then I went to Tobermory and saw some DUCKS!

Sunday
Today at my campsite, you are considered a minority if you are not hungover.

FIN!

go WILD!

Okay so I dont have time to post anything non-half-assed on account of it's now 12:30 and I have to be in bed.

The Family Camping Adventure this year went off without a hitch, which is to say no one dropped dead of alcohol poisoning. (I jest... mostly.) Anyways I was going to write about that an hour ago before a lovely cyber-acquaintance of mine got on the warpath about a role-playing game I said I'd sign up for... That was in June. And so I kinda felt bad. Because I wasn't lieing when I said I'd join.

And so. I am now talking to you as a new person. My name is Desdemona Idril-Gilraen and I am a Dark Elf who worships a deity by the name of Vrakna.

Also, I highly reccommend this site. Very entertaining.

total dream wreckage

Mood: slighted
Music: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

(Kristen Dunst.)

MSN Today: "The stunning actress and long-term boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal have sparked rumours they could be expecting a baby after they were seen looking at pre-natal vitamin supplements in a Los Angeles supermarket. "

Bitch! That was supposed to be me!!!

Lame enough to be cool? Possibly lame enough to surpass God!

Mood: mildly neurotic
Music: The Cure - Lost

In this post I will be talking about undoubtably the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me while on the internet. Okay. It started out like this - I was calling my Pretend Internet Boyfriend a 'pedefile' while simultaneously google-ing the word 'pedefile' in hopes of possibly improving my spelling. However, google sucked the big one in terms of aiding my spelling. But that is unimportant, because what I did find was this:

so this duck flies into the window of a liquor store and asks the shopkeep for some lemons, the shopkeep says no and the duck flies away, five minutes later the duck comes back and asks for lemons, the shopkeep says no again, duck flies away but comes back five minutes later and says "hey shopkeep, got any lemons?" the shopkeep says no again and the duck leaves, the duck comes back five minutes later and asks for lemons again and the shopkeep yells "If you ask me for lemons one more time im gonna nail your feet to the wall like a living trophy!" the duck got all sad and flew away, and flies back five minutes later and asks "hey shopkeep got any nails?" shopkeep replied, "no, why?" and the duck happily replied "oh goodie, got any lemons?"

Hahaha! Oh man... I think I've evolved in some way through reading that.

Ta Da!

Life's Little Mystery

Mood: sugar high

I love Caramilk bars. I really do. But they've had the same marketing campaign since longer than I've been alive. Sure, I mean now they have their witty "carasutra" commercials (Oh man. That looks like loads of fun.) but!! In the little corner at the bottom of the wrapper it reads "savour the mystery".

The "mystery" being 'how do they get the creamy caramel into the centers of the Caramilk bars?'

I've got one word for you: 'Enzymes'. (The long and short of it is enzymes are substances that break other substances, or aid in breaking other substances, down. Like stomach acid.)

So, enzymes are infused into the caramel before it hardens, when it is then treated to a sensual coating of Cadbury milk chocolate. While in the wrapper, the little enzymes work their magic inside the caramel, making it soft and creamy by the time the chocolate bars hit store shelves! --Ta Da!

...Actually, I jest. I do not truly know the "Cadbury Secret". That's just what my grandpa told me when I was eight... I'm actually pretty sure they just pour the caramel into an upside-down chocolate shell, but whatever.

How come I don't get a movie??

Mood: bored
Music: J. Lo - Get Right

*shakes head*

Yesterday, The Mother, Jake the Snake and I went to see the 40-Year Old Virgin. There is a segment in this movie in which the Virgin's co-workers work hard to inspire some sense of fun in him, partially by turning an every-day granny smith apple into a smoking apparatus.

So... Guess what stroke of inventive genius befell my brother upon arriving at home!!

*sigh* Oh well. I suppose once you take into account that he enjoys movies such as A Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket, and spends days playing GTA: San Andreas, making a bong out of an apple is a pretty harmless copycat stunt.

Ta Da!

(PS. If you are down to your last $10 and you are aching to see a movie, see Red Eye!!!)
(PSS. If you are aching to see a movie and you live in Chicago, come to Guelph instead.)

The Tale of the Upside-Down Bagel Bite

Mood: good :-)
Music: Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Okay so I totally just ate a pair of siamese-tiwn bagel bites. They were attatched in the box and everything, and one was all flipped-over and upside-down like, but the toppings stayed on and everything! Weird. Oh, they were le tasty by the way! I recommend bagel bites!!

And that's my story!

...Except it isn't. There's more! Mother of pearl!!

Tonight all my friends left me to go see The 40-Year Old Virgin which I am going to see tomorrow with The Mother on her dime. (Heh heh. Sucker.) Anyways. I got kinda bored. So I wrote out a story. A true story. A mythological story. About how the Bitchface got it's name.

Anne Presents:

Typing Behind Her Back: A Much Abbreviated Version of How I Became the Antichristina

Available through link and on the sidebar. Shit like that is not important enough to me to warrent a space on my actual blog. So I found one of those sleazy little free sites for the tale of Bitchface's origin. Anyways. I know there's a couple of curious people out there. As well as a couple of misinformed. And at least a couple more who were just as bored as I was when I elected to write that. RAH!! We must stick together!

Ta Da.

[Edited to say: Nope. No more sidebar. The subject matter is cramping my style.]

Guess who's back, back again!

Mood: sleepy
Music: Our Lady Peace - Clumsy

Today before departing on our adventure, Cat, Mikey and I donned similar silver tattoos from the dollar store. Hee! Which reminded me of something.

For the past few days I've been enjoying a private joke with myself. This past Saturday while out with friends, a teeny bopper magazine was purhcased by one friend owing to the allure of a whole sheet of sparkling tattoos that accompanied the purchase of said magazine.
Amongst the usul array of kanji characters and floral patterns, celebrities faces also graced the mix. We divied them up evenly untill it came to one particular tattoo that nobody seemed to take to...
"Okay. Who wants Hilary Duff?"
[Looks of disgust plague all those in immediate viscinity. All, except one. Me.]
"I do!!" I shout, unable to hide my zeal-- I had just the place for her!!

And so for the past three days I've giggled on the inside knowing that Hilary's smile which has captivated millions was now adorning my right ass-cheek.

...On a darker note however, it seemed as if Hilary could not stand up with the ungodly substances present in Elora's swimming hole. She is now gone... washed away forever, though her smile has touched me dearly.

The reason we ended up in Elora? Because the good swimming spot, Rockwood, was closed on account of accomidating the filming of Cheaper by the Dozen II, starring... Hilary Duff. (Bitch!!)

I should have rolled down my window and mooned the park administers - like they'd've noticed the difference! The likeness was uncanny, we'd have gotten in for sure! *sigh* I'd have so liked to have that picture autographed...

Anyways, it's behind me now (no pun intended). I'd like to end this post on one thought: why do geese have no sense of humor?? If I were a goose I would so totally look at all the people swimming in Elora and say: "Ha ha!! They're frolicking about in my TOILET!!! Who's the superior being NOW?!"

ta da.

get me out of here!!!

Mood: I'mmmm Booooooorrreeeddd
Music: The Nightmare Before Christmas - Sally's Song

Tonight at dinner I realized how much I need to get the hell out of Guelph.
I. Need. Out.
I need to go camping!

And lucky for me the family camping excursion is just around the corner. Ha! Lucky indeed... My relatives are great, but no!! I do not want to look after your children 24/7! --Or yours!! That is not on my agenda!! I plan to sit here, by the fire, and enjoy a couple of drinks at my leisure. And after that, I plan to go swimming. Alone. Where it is deep. And where I can possibly take my top off should the mood strike. And no, I don't think I desire your children to be around me when I do that. Thank you.

Gah!!!

Blog Addict

Mood: giddy!!
Music: Badly Drawn Boy - Once Around the Block

Okay I am aware that this is my third time in one day! But bear (bare?) with me! Because! This is REALLY EXCITING!!!

I am having a girl's night! YAY! With Charlotte and Katie and Heather! And we're going to the enchanted land of oreo cheesecake and caramel lattes and cute emo-waiters, more commonly known as William's! Hehehe! Hehehe!

AND! Katie has promised to regale us in a tale of " 'camp' and a 23-year-old". Hmm... sounds like my kind of story! Heh heh heh...

--Fin--

QUIZ!!

I am an imaginary number 1i I don't really exist _

what number are you?

this quiz by orsa

Problem Solving 101

Mood: tired... sleep has evaded me
Music: Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me

Nothing gives me the heebie jeebies more than rattling at my window at 4:00 in the morning. It's just not cool. It implies that something or someone incredibly creepy is standing mere feet away from my bed. And that, friends, is not a comforting thought.

So what does an Anneliese do at a dire time like this? Does she:

...Turn on the light in order to ward off all unwanted villains and/or monsters? - No.
...Go look out the window in order to unleash intimidation tactics against vile intruder via face-to-face confrontation? - Hells, no!!
...Pop on the headphones? - YES!!!

Good one, idiot, because if you can't hear it, it's not there!

Ta Da!

I can see clearly now.

Mood: happy as a clam. (Do clams even have emotions? Wait... do they even have brains??)
Music: A Perfect Circle - Blue

Of all people! I meet Karen at the gym!

Anywho. Great minds think alike and when these two got together it was inevitable that we ended our workouts with two scoops of ice cream.

On the way to the ice cream parlour we walked by the building that was (and I hesitate to use the word) erected (haha I said "erected"!!) in the foundation of the old Guelph Little Theatre - It is made completely of glass. And so I thought it was an office.

Turns out it's not. Somebody lives there. Somebody who, as I witnessed this evening, is opposed to wearing pants.

Normally I'd say 'all the power to ya'! Heck, I'm known to go pantless around the abode, and I'm not ashamed to say it! However, my abode is not transparent. Nor is it located next to a public school OR along five bus routes.
...What the hell would possess a person to purchase a lot on one of the busiest streets downtown and say "Hmm. I think I want to make this house entirely out of glass!"

Gah! Weirdo!

(End.)

It's the crazy talking, not me.

Today! (Well, yesterday rather) I talked to a grown-up version of this little nerdy kid at my school who I think is totally cute and whom I have a(n) (illeagal) little schoolgirl crush on! He he he! He he he!

I [heart] nerds!

Hooray for media literacy!

Mood: pained
Music: Marilyn Manson - Dried up Tied up and Dead to the World

I am never particularily overjoyed to recieve the infamous Bonsai Kitten petition in my inbox. You all know the one - "This is so terrible... A Japanese man in New York breeds and sells kittens that are called BONSAI CATS. That would sound cute, if it weren't kittens that were put into little bottles after being given a muscle relaxant and then locked up for the rest of their lives.. blah blah blah, boo hoo hoo." -- IT'S A HOAX!

This time I was more affected than usual, in fact I became so interested that I called The Father for a bit of paternal insight. After explaining the situation, he offers this wisdom: "Why would you want to put a kitten in a jar? See, the thing with kittens is you want to watch them run around and play - but if you took a big fat old cat and shoved it in a jar, you'd never know the difference because all they do is lay around and sleep anyways." Haha.

Anyways, like I said, this time I was affected. What makes this time so special is that I recieved the e-mail from a girl who did nothing short of woop me in biology class last semester (oh, the irony). And the fact that it had 489 signatures on it which I personally took the time to skim through, discovering to my dismay that of the 489 people from Canada, the USA, the UK (who seem particularily stupid because that's where most of the signatures hail from, along with the state of Michigan who's population is... somewhat smaller, so what's their excuse?), France, Norway, Finland, Austrailia, New Zealand, Korea, and even the precious Fatherland (Germany), not one of them took the thirty seconds required to fire up Google and find out it's a hoax. Not one. Which depressed me.

Okay people. If you're so passionate about a non-existant cause, check out PETA and they will inform you that although no one is cramming kittens into glass jars, "Chickens, calves, and pigs are crammed into cages so small they cannot turn or stretch" on factory farms in order to fulfil the demands of red-blooded meat-lovin' men and women everwhere. (Talk about food for thought.)

Or maybe you're strictly a cat person. Well then, have I got something for you! It just so happens that a wonderful little place called Wisconsin has proposed the hunting of 'feral cats' - cats not wearing collars.

[Somewhere in Wisconsin, two men relax out on the deck before the big game. Next to them is a cooler full of American beer.]
"There's just too many of them mangey cats comin' around... hissin' an' scratchin' an' poopin' in the sandbox! They been drivin' the wife crazy!"
[sage-like] "Well Billy, you know what I says? I says we SHOOT 'EM."
...
"You know... I think you're on to something, Bob! What a mighty fiiiine idea!" [reaches inside back pocket of ill-fitting jeans, probably purchased by the wife at local Wal-Mart. Retrieves shotgun.]
[together:] "God bless America!"

Uh... yeah I'm sure theres a petition for the Wisonsin feral cats somewhere too. I just don't care enough to check.

I am going to go now and watch television. When someone comes up with a petition urging citizens to undergo a mandatory media literacy course before embarking upon the internet, send it to me. I shall endorse it with much fervor.

Ta Da!

Yesterday!

Mood: peachy
Music: Green Day - Are We the Waiting

Yesterday I wore a pair of Anneliese's signature "Daisy Dukes" and some fuzzy black knee-highs with sneakers. And my mother told me I looked like "Avril Lavigne on Teens Gone Wild".

...My own Mother.

(But that's okay. She's just so totally jealous.)

Also, yesterday I felt more contempt for a child than I have ever felt in my life. Allow me to explain.

It was mid afternoon and it was some hot out! And so, I found myself lazily sprawled on the rug on my front porch, leisurely flipping through the November 2002 issue of Cosmopolitan because it features guy named Lenny (who may or may not be both devilishly handsome and completely naked) making peach cobbler. And we all know how Anneliese fancies home cookin'! *ahem*
Anyways, as Lenny and I were at the mercy of the sweltering heat, I heard the sound of a little bell ring-ringing, coming closer and closer, making it's way up the street-- HOLY ICE CREAM TRUCK BATMAN!!!!!!!!
And so as the glorius ringing of the bell grows nearer and nearer, my excitement becomes nearly too much to handle, knowing the wonderous sight of the ice cream truck is soon to be flooding my vision, inviting me to toss aside my worldly troubles and give chase...
And then-- I SEE IT! The source of the heavenly ringing!
...But it's no ice cream truck. It's a bell-happy toddler on a tricycle. And so, like that, my dreams were crushed.

You just know that kid's going to grow up to be a jerk.

Jerk.


...Over.

Give Me Novacaine

Mood: delirious off coffee consumption
Music: Green Day - Give me Novacaine

Tonight a group of seven people from my elementary school (including myself) went to see Sky High (because no one would agree on anything else). Five minutes untill the movie begins, we all have our tickets and Megs and I go to save seats while the others get concessions. As we pass the bathrooms, Megs turns to me with a look of urgency and says "I gotta pee-- but wait!! We have to get seats first!!" "Pfft!" I say. "It's Sky High, There's probably like, three people in there!"

...O, my prophetic soul! Laugh laugh laugh! There actually are three people in the whole theatre!! A ha ha!

So! Go see Sky High! It's a real laugh 'till you cry flick! At first, you're all like "HEY! This dialogue is CORNY and the acting is TERRIBLE! A ha ha! This is SOOO FUNNY!!!" But then... by about the time they get to Sky High, there comes a point where it's just NOT funny anymore. And then it hits you - the realization that "Oh my- I spent ten dollars on this... and it's only twenty minutes in!!" And then... you cry.

I needed a little novacaine after that experience, BUT, if that's not enough excitement for one night we walked from the cinema to Tim Hortons and discussed such sixth-grade inside jokes as "Lesbian Seagull" and made up some new ones like Kate "getting the finger all the time". (Get your minds out of the gutter.) And then it started raining! At this point I had drank about a vat of coffee and kept slipping out of my flip-flops trying to climb a mild three-foot embankment of grass up to the parking lot, crying that I couldn't get up "the cliff".
And even before people were done making fun of me for that outburst, I cried some more that I was "stuck on the other side of the lake!" (A small puddle seperating myself from the van.) Hooray for exaggeration! And CoffeeEEEE!!!

Anyways. We left late, so laying alone in the backseat of Kate's van I took it upon myself to trace the message "I <3 Jesus" on the window, just so her parents (and dyslexics everywhere) know we weren't up to anything bad. Because I'm thoughtful like that.

Ta Da.

Alert! Alert! Alert!

Mood: tired
Music: Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends (Robbie Baby, I am a theiving whore and stole your pretty music.)

I love how an Airbus A340-300 goes down not an hour away from my house, my home, but it is a couple of Americans that first inform me of it.
What the hell is up with you people?? What is your "Security Alert" level these days, anway? "Superfluous"?? ...Have you a spy underneith every rock? *shudders* Your media hates you and wants you all to have anxiety disorders, so that all the nice white-collar people like doctors who perscribe lots of happy-pills (...and those all-American gun retailers) can make lots of money and drive cadillacs. And then go to cadillac and gun conventions on Sunday afternoons.
Grab a tuque and a Sleeman's. Kick back and watch some hockey. Just... chill the hell out.

Anyways. This plane crashed with upwards of 300 people on board - 43 got treated for minor injuries and the rest went home. Because this is Canada and we rock.

Also --- Mikey it's your birthday! Happy birthday Mikey! (Actually I'm about an hour and 22 minutes late. But I was too busy throwing you a rockin' party complete with Chris Evans, Jessica Alba, a home-made card that I am now positive says the exact same thing on the front as my one did last year, cake, ice cream, way the hell more food than all of us could eat in a week, David Mulligan, and a naked plastic doll that made a political statement with a miniature schoolbus and was then martyred to the citronella torches.)

Ennnnnnnnnnd Scene!

Odd Ways to Kill Me. And More.

Mood: introspective
Music: Badly Drawn Boy - Something to Talk About

I was just thinking. If I ever got on the bad side of an insane person, I'd probably be pretty easy to finish off. And they wouldn't even have to be especially murderous about it. They could, in fact, be completely blasé about it and get the job done without a hitch.

For example. If someone were to poison a guitar pic, I'd be done for. And I don't even play guitar. Unbeknownst to my brother, the pics he leaves hanging around the computer always end up getting chewed on by me. I know, I'm gross. It's a filthy subconcious habbit of mine, which I have no control over-- I swear!
Of course, anyone who knows me is probably scoffing at the idea right now because, why go to the trouble of poisoning a guitar pic when they could so easily poison just about any consumable item in my house and I'd eventually ingest it? They could go to the store and poison a single Wunderbar at random and odds are I'd get to that, too.
My point is that they needn't have to resort to using the obvious choice of edibles when a miniscule piece of plastic could just as easily spell my doom. And they come off looking all the more clever.

Mmhmm.

Anyways. I finished the latest instalation in the Harry Potter series. And I'll have to say, though it never came close to paining me in the ways that Lord of the Rings did, I wasn't immensly impressed.

And I'm not going to be a bitch and completely spoil it for anyone, but if you are planning to read it and would hold contempt towards me having partially-spoiled it for you, I suggest you don't read any further. Because drop me a beat, yo, it's rant time!

Firstly, I feel it spent way too much time and energy concentrating on who was "snogging" whom - which, I'll admit is perfectly tailored to an audience of 14-year-olds - but when you've "been there and done that" it's not as exciting as one might hope. Actually, it's a little dull after a while.

Also (and I guess secondly) - what the crap was up with Malfoy? He spent a bloody year in the Room of Requirement - for what??? I was sure he was doing something really cool like breeding an army of zombies, but NOOOO!! He spent a year...
...Fixing a wardrobe. (How exhilarating.)
When [the guy] that [did the thingie] resided in the castle all along. Eesh!

But kudos, because I (along with, I'm thinking, everyone else) was completely mislead about who the Half-Blood Prince was. 'Twas a nice little surprise.

_Fin_

Annie's Bored.

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.

A N N E L I E S E
A	is for	Amorous
N	is for	Normal
N	is for	Naughty
E	is for	Elitist
L	is for	Lucky
I	is for	Inspirational
E	is for	Extraordinary
S	is for	Sincere
E	is for	Expressive

What Does Your Name Mean?