bleed

I don't know what to type right now... I actually wasn't planning on posting anything tonight but I just feel beyond miserable right now.
I was feeling bad lastnight too, but not bad like right now. I went for a walk really late without my mother knowing, just to get out and avoid going to bed I guess, because it's when I go to bed that I feel the worst - for the last few nights I've just been crying myself to sleep even though in the day I feel fine. I just walked around Exhibition Park and up to Church of Our Lady and then downtown and stuff. It's like I don't want to be in my own body anymore. ...I'm not the type to try and 'get away', I'm just unhappy.
And yes, it's because of 'The Maestro', it's because of Derek. And I feel so helpless now. We're in the same room, but it's like we're totally gone. And it hurts so bad for so many reasons... Maybe I just took 'us' too seriously, but then again, I was extremely serious about the way I felt for him. He was more than just a 'fling'. He meant something to me. He meant Alot. Everything in me believed that we could have been something more... I admired everything he did and I admired everything about him. I loved him and I was in love with him, and he's the first and the ONLY person I can truly, honestly, sincerely say that about. And then he ended it. Just like that, without an 'if', an 'and', or a 'but'. It was an abrupt, one-sided decision and it was so incredibly painful that I felt as if I nearly died. I was still there, willing to do anything, willing to fight for us, because honest to God, 'us' meant more to me than anything in the world. But he was gone. No matter what I said or how much I begged, he was gone. It felt like I was abandoned, buried alive...
I know it could have been different. If we had more time. All it was, all he based his decision on was a 'feeling', and if he spent any time at all with me instead of with his 'feeling' I know it could have been different.
And then there's everything that happened after the fact. He seemed totally unfazed, uncaring, as if 'we' never happened and I meant nothing to him all along - which was confusing for me and painful as hell. And so I started to distance myself. Then in the halls I would always see Derek with Christina. At lunch, the time we had always spent together, I would walk around and run into Derek and Christina. And when we went downtown, he paid me no mind, and seemed to be constantly flirting with Christina. And so, naturally, I began to wonder if he had simply found another object for his affection, somebody 'better'. And so, naturally, the hurt was deepened.
And it's been a month now. Does he like her? According to him, no. Do I believe him? Given what I've seen so far, no, I don't. But that's not why I'm upset at this moment in time. I'm upset because I am genuinely confused, and I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make it better... Derek and I used to be so close, but now it feels as if we can't reach eachother at all, like everything has been tainted. It feels like I've lost my best friend. Even though I've been hurt, I do not hate him. I really really care about him... but I'm so bitter.
And now I feel trapped. I don't even know what I want. All I can truly say is I want our 'closeness' back. I know he wants a friendship... but I don't know how. I've never really known him as just a friend...

Sometimes I just wish I'd cheated on him or something, even though in reality I'd sooner have swallowed ajax than been untrue to him in any way. I wish I'd had some guy all over me and he'd have come and seen it with his own beautiful two eyes. At least then I'd know why things have to be like this. (...And it's funny because I don't wish that at all.)

And I'm upset because I made him say bad things about himself.
And I'm upset because I still have feelings and they won't go away!!
Every time he's around I'm sad. I can't even laugh the way I used to - the feeling isn't there. When he's with me I'm grieving. And sometimes I am when he isn't around, like I am right now.

I just want things to be good again. I just want to stop crying.