I Hate Myself And I Want To Die

Wearing: stripey shirt, rugby pants
Eating: sweet tarts (I just wrote 'sweet tards'. haha.)
Listening To: 'nice to know you' - incubus

On Friday I mowed the lawn for The Mother. My lawn mower runs on an electrical cord. Lawn mower. Electrical cord. ...Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this scenerio? Something potentially hazardous, maybe?

Ah, what would I know - I'm just a woman!

As for more personal matters - matters of, the heart... Yeah, I'm still stuck in emotional limbo. If someone asked 'how are you?', I honestly couldn't answer them. I'm a lot of things right now, and it really sucks for a person like me who enjoys the simplicities of life. When I'm just living in the moment, just with my friends and The Maestro, I'm fine. But if I think on it for half a second, it's like 'you know, this is really fucked up.' And I don't know what it is specifically, it's just a lot of things... A lot of really really sucky things that I would do anything short of selling my soul to make different.

Onion has just signed in.

So, how 'bout those gypsy cards!
Right away, the first picture I got was the infamous heart, with the infamous message 'your happiness lies in the answer of the one you love.' (There are four possible messages per matching picture. I always get this picture, with this exact message.) This isn't the most positive of messages, but it isn't the worst. It basically states the obvious, which is the 'other person' doesn't feel as passionate as I do. But, also that I shouldn't be a dick about it because anything is possible.
Then I got a good one about money, and a good one saying I'll have a long life, and then I got the snake with the message of 'bitter jealousy'. Well that's peachy! It states that I'm giving up one kind of life for another, which I am, and it bites my ass. It says that in a jealous state of mind, my vision is clouded and I could miss opportunities. Also, that jealousy doesn't show how much I love somebody, it only shows how insecure I am. I've never pondered that before, but it's true.

And now comes the last card, which is basically the whole message and the outcome of the reading. And a really important picture came up - the forest. This picture deals with the people I'm surrounded by, and it tells me to not be too trusting of new people (done and done) but also that I have friendships with many worthwhile people. Aww, shucks! (Hey, I never got this one when I hung out with SCAM - coincidence?) It says that I'm with people of good character, that their influence on me is a good one. Which I already know. It also said that this message usually comes up in 'transition periods', and we all know what a bite-my-ass transitional period I'm in right now. FUCK!!!! (sorry.) But it said that 'strong bonds remain in spite of change' and that I should continue to nurture my relationships. And God, am I ever trying... Oh, God!
I got a picture that says I'm in good physical health - haha take that, The Mother! No anorexia for you.
I got 'the demons' with the message that I need to control the negative side of my nature, because it will only lead to future unpleasantness. It said that I can be my own worst enemy (once again stating the obvious) and that I shouldn't give into negative thoughts - jealousy? - because they're only within me.
And then the last card, 'the fox'. This picture said I'm being cunningly deceived. That there is someone, once again, that I shouldn't trust. Umm... okay. And that someone might not intend to hurt me, but got caught up and just wants the easy way out. *cough*BASTARD!*cough* (I think I'm in my anger stage right now.)


Well, there you have it. That's how Anneliese amuses herself on rainy days.

You know how bloody different my life would be right now if I had gotten CELP in second semester?? Or even if I had history fourth, and science fifth? Or if I lived three blocks east of where I live and I went to Ross? Oh well. I'm glad it happened. I just want to go back to February. I want that more than anything in the world... I just want to go back. I want to go back so bad!

I hate him for not understanding me, and I hate myself for not understanding him. It's been over a week, and every little thing in me is so sure that this, what he is doing, is wrong. But he doesn't see it. And I can't make him see it. And I know he can't help what he's feeling... but I hate how he concluded all this by himself, shutting me out and letting these feelings of his grow. It was, in my eyes, selfish, one-sided and completely inconsiderate. But I guess some people just work like that. And so as a result, I am one confused, messed-up individual.

Ta Da!