2004 in retrospect (...and mostly pessimism)

Mood: tired and 100% completely not hungover
Music: Franz Ferdinand - 40 ft

Warning: Contains Anger, and in accordance, foul language. dun Dun DUNNN!

I'd like to start off by saying that I hate newyears. I don't get it! It is a time of getting drunk and putting up calanders and that's about it. You havn't survived another year, unless, of course, your birthday is the first of January. And just because it's newyears doesn't mean you're any different, except possibly a bit hungover and forgive me if I fail to see the glory in that.
But at least it's a holiday.

Now let's talk about 2004! To sum it up breifly and accurately, 2004 for the most part was a prolonged period of shitty. Sure, there were alot of firsts for me - first boyfriend, first kiss, first honor roll... but in the end it's a time I plan on blocking from my memory as much as possible.

January 2004
I basically spent this time screwing around, unsure of myself and what to do (especially concerning Derek) but if I recall correctly I was pretty fucking happy so I'll just roll with it. I also got my fish, Valentine, who was very pretty and fun to watch and lasted quite long for a betta fish. I also started this BLOG!
Febuary 2004
This was possibly the happiest month of my life. Oh look, I'm crying! You know, that thing I do where the water comes out of my eyeballs. Yeah... I had what I would consider in the following few months to be "the best birthday ever" while everyone in my out door ed. class froze their asses off in little snow caverns. Haha. Also, rugby practices started up. I just wish to God I'd been more confident in myself back then...
March 2004
Why can't I remember anything that happened in March? Oh. I know. Because nothing much happened. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy in March, and this may have been improv month, but I am not entirely sure. That was fun. I remember going to Shannon Fahy's during March Break and making a movie with my dad's video camera.
April 2004
Hey! I know what's in April! It's Shugufa's birthday! I also had a dream that I kissed her! Hahaha! Also this month was filled with never-ending Macbeth, as well as rugby. Ah, how I love rugby!! Also in this month I met a new friend known as Blondie, or Christina, or more recently Bitchface who I liked very much but who would turn out to have an enormous hand in the "prolonged period of shitty".
May 2004
May can be divided into two parts - 15 totally amazing days which I loved and cherished, and then the rest - some of the worst days of my life. In the beginning of May there was Pulp Fiction (always good), fat days (unfortunate part of the past), and then the GCVI Film Festival. If I had to pinpoint the best day I had all year it would probably be the Film Festival... I had such an amazing time with Derek who I felt so close to, and I felt everything was so good and getting so much better, and with my friends and new friends Vera and Christina. Then there was the canoe trip - I was stuck out in the wilderness with the best people I could possibly hope for (Megs, Char, Christine - Teeny Christinie so as to aviod confusion with the other one - and Mike Armstrong amongst them). I loved singing my heart out with the other girls (especially The Darkness heh heh) and consequently annoying the living hell out of Mike and Matt. And I loved finding a spot to myself with a beautiful view, usually around sunset where I wrote and sketched and wrote letters to Derek. I'll also never forget the portage with the bigass canoe, where I experienced possibly the most intense physical pain I'd ever been in, but had Mike and Christine encouraging me along the whole way, and even though they didn't assist me in carrying the canoe, I couldn't have gotten to the end without them. On my trip I felt the most complete that I had ever felt, and I remember having some kind of freaky forsight and apprehension towards coming back because I wrote a letter to myself saying "everything will be allright". Upon coming back, my life as I knew it fell appart. The major trouble at Mcleans started, which ended in me losing my job, I had a huge fight with my dad which hurt alot, seeing as I'm a Daddy's girl, and then Derek, the person who had lavished me in much-needed "I-love-you's" and who I cared about so much that words can't quite say it turned around and dumped me on a whim in a fucking e-mail, days after he assured me everything was alright. Then there was May the 29th, now known as the worst day of my life, where I sat dilerious and barely-functional in the Drama room at the GCVI open house and watched 'The Mulberry Bush' as well as Alex McLeod's chase scene over and over again and basically burst into tears whenever I thought no one was in the room. I then attended Christina's surprise party wich we were late to and felt like a complete shit due to just being dumped and therefore losing face infront of entire party crowd, also witnessing completely emotionless, insensitive, uncaring ex-boyfriend not give a christly damn that I was heartbroken, electing to instead hop around to the 5, 6, 7, 8's like everything was perfectly alright, and then team up with Christina in party games, ignoring me, consequently shoving another hundred or so metaphorical knives through my already broken heart. Spent the rest of May hoping for Revolution and blaming self and amazing canoe trip for newfound depression.
June 2004
June, on the whole, sucked ass and was also host to possibly the weirdest moment of my life. On the Tuseday following dumpage by Derek the insensitive shit head, went downtown on completely unnessicary trip with Shit Head and Christina and others, witnessed unusual attention toward Christina on behalf of Shit Head, sparking "you dumped me for her" theory. Returned to school and resumed class as if normal, except for the fact that entire math class was spent crying silently, and normally out of control, noisey college level math class was subdued by extreme ackwardness of normally smiley girl balling her eyes out without explanation. Also in this week I went from 110lbs to 105lbs due to not eating for three days. On fourth day, forced myself to start eating after the appearence of "fairies" upon standing up, and the inability to put on my backpack without girlfriendly assistance. However, recieved much praise from teachers dispite total lack of enthusiasm for any assignment whatsoever, and also was praised by english and math teachers for writing 'some of the best exams of the year'. Also, forgot how to sing and was subdued for most of the month.
July 2004
July was spent mostly crying and contemplating most interesting methods of suicide (for example: "suicide by Volvo" or "suicide by lederhosen"). Due to being stupid dumb shit, insisted on presence of Christina whenever I attended Mikey's house. Also read Madame Butterfly this month and became emo kid without stupid, crappy music. Still no singing whatsoever.
August 2004
Extra shitty month due mainly to betrayal of trust and friendship, and resulting lack-of-eating binge. This month I stopped giving Derek the cold shoulder and was extra nice to him by healing ankle that he injured at Mikey's party being a stupid jackass, most likely showing off to Christina who at this point I still enjoyed. Continued unwavering love for said undeserving Jackass, untill said betrayal which took place en route to Guelph after Wonderland excursion. Feelings were hurt all day by Jackass subtillities (ie: treated like stranger all day, being refered to as "her", the proclamations that everything I liked sucked - top gun, minebuster, and even the colour red, etc) untill finally breaking heart for the second time by holding hands with Christina who had unmasked herself as true sleazy bitch, and proceeded to lay in ex-boyfriends crotchal region whilst flaunting for entire sickening hour. Myself, being a "friend" made no objections due to unwant of embarassing sleazy friend infront of parents. Was extremely hurt and offended as had been lied to and betrayed by two close friends, also felt replaced, cheated on (though would not technically have been true), and overall shattered ability to trust in human beings. Due to traumatic experience, became acquainted with Debra, my social worker. Also realized obviousness of depression due to Charleen (aka E-Unit) comment along the lines of "you seem different and so sad all the time!! ...etc etc" and made extra effort to live lie of joyfulness which was in reality pretty much dead. Also realized that had gone a total of 5 nights without crying since May 28. After betrayal incident, totally and painfully rejected Derek and desperately wanted to be friends with sleazy bitch Christina, who, as I would find out later, elected to continue whoring even after blatant obviousness of inflicted hurt.
September 2004
Started out month shitty as ever due to witnessing vagrant sleazebag worship on the part of jackass ex-boyfriend. Hated him untill near the end of the month, when switched over to total dislike of sleazy Christina, on account of I couldn't get within 50 feet of Derek without ackward and eventually objectionable presence of herself which I publically made known via "bitch" comment. The envisioned "suicide by Volvo" is now "homicide by Volvo." Also had 80mph incident with Megs wich was amusing because she is normally an extremely paranoid driver. Joined choir with Char for a grand total of one choir practice. Small attempts at singing have started, much to dismay of brother.
October 2004
Went to Franz concert with Mikey, Derek, Adam, Christina. Had extremely enjoyable time, also was last time to date that I have had friendly contact with Christina, disregarding recent insignificant chatter about sociology essay and co-op. Also crying bouts are no longer a daily happening. Started chatting with Amy about Christianity and bowling. Hatred of art class has begun to grow.
November 2004
Went bowling with Amy's CELL group, which resulted in joining CELL group because I simply love everyone in it, for they are very nice and are not self-centered jerks. Also am happily beginning to feel meagre threads of friendship with Derek tighten if only a little, which is good but slightly tardy seeing as I was hoping for that to happen around August. Also bouts of sentamentality and not caring about incestous goings on are becoming more frequent, however onsets of Blondie-hate are frequent and therefore lessen overall effect of sentamentality. Hatred of art class has reached full fleged burning passion.
December 2004
Formerly overwhelming depression has been reduced to bouts which are becoming few and far between, but none the less still there. Have found new appreciation for Caitlin as she is cool and doesn't have a penis because it is nice when you are a girl to be friends with someone who also does not have a penis, which consequently makes people gross and annoying by nature. Haha. Attended Christmas CELL party which was interesting, but a little bit weird because I'm shy and do not know very many people at the Church. Also attended numerous stepping classes at Her Club with Megs and also Tanya who has joined us on one occasion. Thighs are now firm and shapely as a result of repeated stepping. Had an overall good Christmas, despite one unfortunate Bitchface-related incident with Derek. Also am becoming conciously more guilty for Christina-dislike, aswell as the bestowing upon her of derogative terms which she doesn't entirely deserve, however am adament of remaining guarded out of fear of losing Derek-friendship to sleazy girl all over again. Also was conned into donating blood and experienced my very first unhospitalized fainting spell. Final weight of the year is 107, which is better than 105 and is not accompanied by visions of fairies upon standing up.

That's the drama of 2004 at a glance. Now I shal list you the top 10 GOOD and BAD experiences of 2004.

shitty experiences
1. getting dumped by selfish asshole who I was completely and utterly (and stupidly) in love with
2. the wonderland incident
3. May 29
4. reprocussions of the wonderland incident
5. consuming paranoia and unrequitted love
6. being depressed
7. being stressed out of my mind all summer
8. crying incessantly
9. the shittiness of hating and not hating Christina at the same time, 24/7
10.finding out I need an inhaler!!!!!!

super duper experiences
1. being in love with Derek when it was mutual
2. my out door ed. canoe trip (and the portage from hell)
3. the Film Festival
4. playing with Jordan and his sisters in Montreal
5. becoming acquainted with my CELL group
6. playing rugby
7. the good visits to Mikey's house
8. being gym buddies with Megs
9. going to see Franz Ferdinand
10. trying to teach Andrew how to paddle prior to canoing

There you have it, darlings.

Ta Da.